The Former Life of Stan
by JVM-SP150
Summary: Written in 2011, follow-up to "You're Getting Old"; Stan Marsh's world is crumbling around him and he doesn't know where to turn as his clinical cynicism continues to become more and more severe. His recently-divorced father, meanwhile, wants to take advantage of his youth. Meanwhile, the boys try to find a suitable replacement for Stan when they become obsessed with a gaming fad.
1. Chapter 1

_Introduction: I originally wrote this fanfic from July to October 2011, between the airing of "You're Getting Old" and primarily before "Ass Burgers", though the final chapter was originally released afterward. When I deleted it last year I originally planned to either host it on another website or rewrite it entirely but eventually decided based on it's status as a direct response to the episodes at the time, it was best to leave it unedited... so here it is, as originally written. I'm not the proudest of this one, honestly, but it feels like the historical context is more important than my limited artistic 'integrity'. Please enjoy._

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><p><strong>"The Former Life of Stan" - Chapter One<br>**

Herbert Garrison yawned as the bell rang for another day at South Park Elementary School - another day of trying to teach a bunch of lazy bastards some stuff they'll forget as soon as they're let out for the summer. He sighed as he got up, taking a piece of chalk, "All right kids, good morining, how are we all today?" There were various murmured responses he did not care for, "Good, good. Do you all know what day it is?" Nothing. "It's Friendship Day, an idea from our former class President Wendy."

"Nice going." Stan Marsh rolled his eyes at his girlfriend, who glared back. "What a shitty idea." he added as Wendy glared at her long-time boyfriend. Although the two were normally quite close and had just overcome difficulties in their relationship fairly recently, their sparring as of late since Stan's birthday had just progressively become worse and worse.

"Stanley, leave your stupid girlfriend alone. Now, you all remember that paper I assigned on Wednesday on who your best friend is?" Garrison said, putting his hands on his hips, "It's due. Now what pair of best friends would like to go first? Let me guess, Stan and Kyle? You two ready to verbally make out in public for the two-hundredth time?" he asked. Stan rolled his eyes.

"I'll go up." Stan said, getting out of his seat and taking his paper as he approached the front of the classroom, his voice venomous. Garrison raised an eyebrow as Stan took the center, "My name is Stan, and my best friend is nobody, because friendship is all a big lie. You think you know who your friends are but then they abandon you because you're a buzzkill or you're not fun anymore. None of us will even know each other in fifteen years, and then we'll all get old and smelly and die. Fuck all of you."

"Good job, Stanley, you get a B- and to visit the Principal for using the 'F' word in my classroom." Garrison said apathetically - this was all routine, "Before we continue, does anyone else in here not have a best friend?" Tweek and Esther raised their hands, "All right, you both get F's. Who's next? Hm... Timmy and Jimmy?" Garrison said with boredom as Timmy and Jimmy rolled up to the front of the room. Stan left the room to see Principal Victoria.

"Well howdy there, everyone, me and my best p-p-pal Timmy are here to tell you all about f-f-friendship. You see, when me and Timmy first m-m-met, we really h-h-hated each other, and we got into a big fight. But since then, we've become really good f-f-friends, right Tim-Tim?" Jimmy asked as Timmy nodded before returning to staring into some kind of unknown abyss, "I know everything about Timmy - his f-f-f-fah f-f-f-fah, f-f-f-favorite color is red, his favorite movie is _Forrest G-G-G-Gump_, he loves eating b-b-b-bananas, and he likes Katy P-P-P-Perroy."

Timmy rolled forward a bit and looked at his paper, "Jimmah! Jimmay Jimmah Tim Tim Timmay, livin' a lie Timmah, Timmay tim timmy, Timmah, libalaw, daw libalaw Timmay, Jimmy Timmy, Timmeh Tim Timmay! Timmeh Tim Timmeh Tim Lords of the Underworld Timmay Timmah Tim Timmay Jimmy Timmy Jim Timmah Tim Timmay Sarah Silverman Timmy Tim Timmah!"

"Wow Timmy, in my twenty years of teaching that is the most touching speech I've ever heard." Garrison said as he took off his glasses and rubbed the front of his face - he looked quite tired as he sat back, "All right, all right... uhhh next is Kevin and Rebecca." he said, reading off a chart as he put it down and looked at one of the many photographs on his desk, looking at his own long-lost best friend.

"Uhh... hi..." Kevin Stoley went upfront with Red, the Chinese-American boy and red-haired girl both looking as if they had completely forgotten about this, "My name is Kevin and my best friend is Red. We've known each other since preschool... Red loves dancing and volunteers at the animal shelter once a week and she has a beautiful singing voice. She's really smart and her father owns the town bar. Red also likes video games and her favorite TV Show is _Glee_." he looked to his friend.

"My name is Rebecca Tucker - people who like their legs call me Red - and my report is on my best friend Kevin. Kevin's favorite movie is _Star Wars _of course and he loves anything Science Fiction. Kevin is creative and likes writing. He also enjoys history and tries to follow politics. Kevin's father is a bussinessman and his mother is a house wife and his uncle manages the local City Wok, and his aunt is a singer. Thank you."

"Thanks kids, those reports were absolutely gay. I'm sure if Fosse and Bill were still in this class they'd be laughing their little asses off, but they're next door with Thompson now I suppose. And next is..." Cartman stretched his arm out high in the air - or as high as his pudgy build would allow. Garrison's eyes left the photo and he straightened, raising an eyebrow in surprise, "I don't believe it. Eric, you have a best friend _and_ you did your homework? Or are the brownies from last night still getting to me?"

"No, Mr. Garrison, me and my best friend would like to go up please." Cartman smirked, "And I promise you, it's not my hand this time." he pleaded, looking into his teacher's cold eyes. Garrison was puzzled - Cartman was fat, racist, foul-mouthed and unlikable in every way possible. Which child in his class would possibly put up with that kind of person?

"Well Eric, if you really have a best friend I guess you two can go up and read your reports on each other but I swear to God, if there is even one thing in your report Eric about yourself, I will invent the 'G' just so I can give it to you, do you understand me?" Garrison said, glaring forward. Cartman nodded and Garrison turned his attention back to the photograph as Cartman walked up to the front of the room, and was then joined by Kenny.

"Kinny, the fuck?" Cartman said angrily, "You think we're best friends? In your goddamn dreams! I have a new best friend now you stupid poor piece of crap." Kenny raised an eyebrow, "Some friend you were, Kinny, 'oh Eric, I hate you but I feel sorry for you'. You know what Kenny? That's not cool, man, it's not cool. Fuck off already!" Cartman said.

"...WHAT!?" Kenny said in disbelief, "What do you mean? We've always been best friends you fucking douchebag! I'm the only fucking one who laughs at your stupid racist jokes! I'm the only fucking one who sits there and watches NASCAR with you! What the fuck!?" Kenny grabbed at Cartman's fat, but the boy simply pushed Kenny away. Sighing and defeated, Kenny sat back down as Kyle got up next to Cartman.

"My best friend is Kahl Broflovski-" as soon as the words left Cartman's mouth, the entire class' collective jaws dropped. Even Garrison's eyes widened and eyebrows raised. It was as if the laws of the universe had been destroyed in the uterrance of those six words. Cartman smiled toward Kyle, "he's nine years old, Jewish and he hates bananas and piss. Kahl is very intelligent and ties for second smartest kid at our skewl. Kahl enjoys math, writing, the _Terrance & Phillip_ show and kites."

"...Eric, do you need to see the nurse?" Mr. Garrison asked, raising an eyebrow, "Do you have a fever? Is your nose runny? Eric, how many fingers am I holding up?" Garrison held out his hand, four fingers out, "No wait, it's going to be all right Eric, we just need to take you to Nurse Gollum right away." Garrison said, rushing to his desk to grab

"Mr. Garrison, I think you're a smartass douchebag with dissociative identity disorder and every day I question how the fuck you got a teaching degree." Cartman said simply as if the words meant nothing, yet it was this very fact that showed he was telling the truth - there was no faux sweetness or gross overconfidence, nor anger or tears. Garrison patted the top of his head and sighed,

"Eric, I don't know what the hell happened to you but I guess you're okay besides your sudden affinity for your rival Kyle." Garrison shrugged and went to the chalkboard and began etching the pairs of friends so far: Jimmy and Timmy, Kevin and Red, Kyle and Cartman, "All right Kyle, I guess you can read your speech about Eric now since... you two are... friends... apparently..."

"Eric Cartman is one of the least popular kids in school but deep down he's actually really cool. He has amazing charisma and great leadership skills, and even though we disagree sometimes, I've realized we have a lot more in common than I thought: we both like video games, and we both appreciate movies and shows that really make you think. Eric knows business and despite his shortcomings he always knows how to come up with a plan even when times are at their worst. Eric is a really admirable person."

"...sweet Jesus, what the fuck were in those brownies?" Garrison said, "All right... A+ to both of you... I think." Garrison said, looking both ways. Something was not right. He sighed and looked at the chart for a second, "Uhhh... Wendy and Bebe." he read off before picking up the photograph, "...I can't take it. It's been too long, I need to see you one last time..." Garrison said.

xXx

"Now Stanley, I know you're going through a tough time in your life right now..." began Principal Victoria, hands together at her desk. Stan Marsh had been sent down here for 'excessive' swearing in class - a boy who was once material for '_Student of the Month' _was now in her office nearly every day. It was beyond her - he had always been a bright, hopeful pupil. But here he was looking at the floor with a bitter look on his face as if someone had taken something from him. "But you need to learn some self-control and stop disrupting classes."

"Well, Principal Victoria, do you want to know what I think?" Stan held his arms crossed. Victoria simply narrowed her eyes at him and nodded - she'd dealt with kids like this before. It was all to familiar to her. "I think you're a prissy, shitty, stuck-up bitch. I bet you grew up with a single parent who gave you everything you wanted and you never learned you can't always have your way. I don't think you care about the students and the only reason you became a Principal is because you wanted to be in a position of authority because you're a control freak with shitty hair."

"I grew up with both of my parents. Now, I'm going to let you go back to class, but if I see you again today I'm calling your mother, okey-dokey?" Victoria said with clear annoyance, getting sick of seeing him every day. She'd seen him every day this week and his mother. It was getting rather tiresome for her - she was seeing him almost as often as she saw his former friend Eric Cartman.

"How about you just call my mom now? 'cuz you'll be seeing me again real soon!" Stan got out of his seat angrily and walked toward the door to leave when Victoria rose from her seat,

"Stan Marsh, where are you going?"

"To the one place where I belong..." Stan sighed quietly, "Where I used to belong..."

xXx

"All right, class, well it seems we've sorted out all of our best buddies..." Mr. Garrison moved away from the chalkboards and motitoned to what was written:

Jimmy and Timmy

Kevin and Red

Eric and Kyle

Wendy and Bebe

Clyde and Craig

Token and Jason

Annie and Heidi

Millie and Lola

Kenny, Butters, Tweek, Stan, Esther; FOREVER ALONE

"Mr. Garrison, I told you, I have a best friend, Lizzy-" Esther said but Garrison approached her desk with a stern look, Esther's eyes widening, suddenly stricken with fear for her teacher. Garrison wasn't the kind of teacher you just mess with and take a detention in stride.

"Lizzy McCormick is not in this classroom and she is not your best friend, do you understand me? Now make friends with Kenny or Tweek you goddamn chink!" he slammed a fist on her desk before returning to his quickly and picking up a photograph and sighing, "You know what class? I'm going to be right back..." Garrison headed for the door, "Until then, Ky-" Garrison put a finger to his chin - no way, if Kyle and Eric are friends Eric will no doubt take advantage of the situation, "Bebe is in charge." he left.

"All right!" Bebe smiled, but then her eyes narrowed, her grin suddenly wicked as the frizzy-haired blonde took center of the room, "Today class we will be covering the history of shoes, and for biology we'll be studying the asses of Jewish children. Your homework will be an essay on the best boy band of the 2000's. Any questions?"

"Bebe, don't you think we should focus on actual school subjects?" Wendy said carefully, hoping not to offend her best friend. Bebe rolled her eyes,

"It's just music, history and biology, normal school subjects, psh." Bebe said, "Now, I didn't have time to order new textbooks, so I'm just going to use the chalkboard. Now can anyone tell me who invented the shoe? Anyone?"

"...dude, screw this, Let's just leave!" Craig said, getting up and walking toward the door when he was blocked by Bebe. He flipped her off carelessly and tried to move around but she blocked his path,

"You're not going anywhere, Craig." she said, moving forward, "Girls!" Esther and Millie stepped forward and took Craig's arms and returned him to the seat, "Good, good. You girls return to your seats now, this lesson is important Shoes have been around since the dawn of man but ancient Egyptians started making shoes with some style..."

xXx

Stan sat at the bus stop, the same one he'd used every day since the third grade began, sighing as he sat in the snow silently. It was quiet and peaceful - besides that the sign seemed to show a pile of shit now. He sighed - he wished he could cure this disease. Suddenly he felt colder than usual as a hand was on his shoulder, "Hello there children."

"...hey Chef." Stan said absentmindedly, eyes on the snow, not even realizing the presence behind him. After a moment he blinked and looked behind himself but all he saw was a transparent pile of shit wearing a turd shaped like a chef's hat. He sighed.

"How's it goin'?"

"Bad."

"Awh, why bad?"

"I have cynicism, Chef. It's this disease that makes everything seem like shit. Like you, right now - you're not a ghost, you're just a fat tub of shit. All my friends have abandoned me because I'm a buzzkill - the only person I can be around is Craig. Not even Kyle wants to hang out with me and... I guess... it just makes me feel... well, like shit." Stan pointed out. Chef sighed,

"Children, that's something we all go through. People get older. People grow apart. Things change... and it's tough to accept it. We find our best friends leaving, and our families breaking apart... but we always have memories with the people we care about. Sure, you and Kyle may not be friends anymore but... the two of you spent a lot of time together, and even if it's over, it shouldn't ruin the memories you have. Change is tough, but it's always going to be there. Things are just gonna... keep on changing. It's all a part of growing up."

"Yeah... you know what, Chef? You're right. I need to stop running away from my problems and just... accept the fact things are changing and try to deal with it instead of just whining about everything." Stan said, "Thanks Chef... even though you're probably just a figment of my psychosis trying to help me work out a solution..."

"Any time, children!" Chef took off his shitty hat and bowed before the giant piece of shit faded away.

xXx

"And now if you look closely, you'll notice that Kyle's right ass cheek is slightly perkier than his left." Bebe Stevens instructed as one of her male students stood at the head of the classroom with his pants down and his ass on display, with a beat red, humiliated face. That's when the bell rang and Kyle pulled his pants up at lightening speeds and dashed out, followed by his classmates. Bebe gritted her teeth and left lesson plans and Garrison's other items on his desk, took her backpack and left as well. What a progressive day!

"So guys, what are we doing this week?" Kyle asked, joining Cartman and Kenny at their lockeers. Cartman quickly got his backpack on and smiled at Kyle, "Eric?"

"Well Kahl, me and Kinney were gonna stop in the computer lab since Kinney needs to check his Penthouse Forums or whatever, and I'm in the middle of a very complex pyramid scheme. Wanna join us, Jewboy?" Cartman offered, not in his usual malicous way but with a sincere, friendly smile. For a boy who was just discussing pyramid schemes, Eric Cartman seemed quite kind right now. Kyle smiled as he opened his locker,

"Sure. Oh, uh, dudes, can I ask you something... personal?" he asked. Cartman and Kenny looking at him, Kyle clutching his books to his chest as he stood near his open locker, "It's just... without Stan around, our group feels... kind of... I dunno, empty. I don't know how to put this but... we need a new Stan."

"Yeah, you're right. I think I know just the kid." Cartman smirked, turning around and looking toward Butters. Kenny, Cartman and Kyle approached him, "Butters, we have a very important question to ask you." The little boy with the puff of blonde hair smiled and pushed his little fists together,

"What is it, Eric?"

"Butters, with Stan gone we've been looking to fill the void in our circle of friendship with someone new and well, we were hoping you could help us fill that void." Cartman explained. Butters smiled nervously, blue eyes lighting up,

"Eric, I'd be glad to h-h-help you guys out!"

"Good, good! Okay Butters now, tell us... where's Clyde?" Cartman asked, Butters' jaw dropping in shock, "Butters? You okay, man? We need Clyde to replace Stan."

"Awh, son of a b-biscuit..." Butters said, sighing, "Clyde's over by the cafeteria t-t-talking to Craig about that movie _Paranormal Activity 3 _Clyde said he really liked it."

"Thanks Butters!" Kyle said as the trio skipped merrily toward the cafeteria to go find their new life-long buddy. Butters sighed and put his hands in his pockets - rejected again. Lonely, despised by the world. Hated by everyone around him. Forced into a life of solitude. But nobody knew the truth - that beneath Butters' soft, plushy exterior, lay the greatest supervillain the world had ever known...

"Hey turd, I have to get to economicsh" came a voice as Butters politely moved to let Shelley Marsh move past. Now was not the time for chaos and evil... besides, he didn't want to get grounded for being beat up by a girl.

xXx

Skeeter's Bar was active a location as ever, Randy Marsh sitting with his half-brother Jimbo Kern, Jimbo's heterosexual life partner Ned and his friend Stuart McCormick. The bar was active - a good Broncos game was on TV, the bartender was mixing the drinks, and Randy was just drunk enough to be ridiculously happy but not drunk enough to forget his surroundings. Unfortunately, his son soon crashed the party, "Hey dad, can we go to the zoo? Please?" Stan suddenly asked. Randy turned to him, wiping his mouth,

"Oh hey Stan... the zoo? Uh sure, let me get my keys..." Randy said, trying to stand up and proceeding to fall forward, "Hey, that hurt!" he said, straightening himself up and glaring toward nobody in particular, "What the hell, man? Don't you... play stupid with me, do you know who I am? I'm Randy goddamn Marsh! I'll kick your ass!" Randy tried to kick forward but only succeeded in kneeing himself in the crotch, "Shit! He got me in the balls, Stan! Staaan!"

"Mmm he's pretty fucked-up." Ned said with his voicebox, looking toward his almost-but-not-quite nephew. Stan rolled his eyes.

"Eh, he's just a lightweight. He'll clear up quick, Stanley. How about me and Ned take you to the Zoo?" Jimbo offered, but Stan shuddered at the thought of the innocent zoo animals being slaughtered by Jimbo and Ned with their weapons collection, "Oh, I see, you think 'cuz we're hunters we'll just shoot them all, right? That is a stereotype! Me and Ned love animals, right, Ned?"

"Mmm of course." Ned's voicebox told them, "I even used to have a horse on my father's ranch as a kid."

Jimbo got on one knee to look his nephew in the eye, but all Stan saw was a giant, goopy piece of shit, "See Stanley, the thing you need to understand is that just because we like to hunt doesn't make us cold-blooded murderers. We like animals just as much as you do - huntin's just a sport, and, uh, you know, we gotta thin out their numbers. There was this one county, why they banned deer huntin' and everyone had to leave their houses cause the deer took over. Do you see what I'm trying to say?"

"No, Uncle Jimbo, because I know you're lying and that when we go to the zoo some poor animal is gonna 'come right for you' or you're gonna have to 'thin out their numbers' and I'm sick of this same bullshit from you." Stan said, spitting as he turned away. "Dick."

"That's fine, you're a pussy anyway, Stanley..." Jimbo called defensively - he clearly didn't mean it and just wanted his nephew to feel guilty. Stan was not affected, keeping a stern look on his face as he approached the door, reaching to leave when he heard someone rise up,

"Hey, don't go so fast, I can go drive you and your dad to the Zoo, I need something to keep me distracted anyway." came the voice of Stuart McCormick holding a Jack Daniels, "I've been trying to control my drinking and-"

"Whatever Kenny's Dad, nice of you to offer since you don't even have car but fine, drive us." Stan said with a hint of bitterness: Stuart was even worse than Randy in every way. He had an even worse relationship with his wife (although one could point out Stuart and Carol had not divorced) drank far more and couldn't even hold a job that sounded vaguely respectable.

"No, Stu, I can handle it..." Randy said, before falling forward, eyes widening and he released a painful throttle of vomit out his mouth and straight on to the floor. Laying in a pile of his own puke, he tried to rise again only to release another concentrated stream of vomit. His half-brother facepalmed,

"This is why we can't have nice things..."

xXx

"Hey Kinney, Terrance and Phillip got renewed through 2013, can you believe it? Seventeen seasons!" Cartman said in disbelief, "After how crappy the last season was, they're still moving forward!" he said with anger, banging his pudgy hands on the desk as he sat in the computer lab.

"The last season was cool if you ask me, but I respect your opinion, Eric." Kyle said quickly. Cartman turned his head to face Kyle and smiled,

"Thanks buddy!" he said before turning back to Kenny, "Listen to me, Kinney! I'm talking to you! Take off those headphones you poor piece of crap or I'll tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about that stupid chick you used to date from _Animaniacs._" Cartman said angrily. Kenny took off his headphones and glared,

"Cartman, we've been fucking over this, Tammy was not on Animaniacs. The last name thing is just a coincidence." Kenny said, "What the fuck do you want?"

"Kinney, Terrance and Phillip were- woah, what the fuck are you doing?" Cartman said glancing over toward Kenny's computer, where a giant green spaceship was in the middle of an asteroid field, shooting through at hyperspeeds with powerful shield defending it from damage. There were a HUD and controls on the screen but Cartman was focused on the seriouslah epic spaceship action. "Dude, that's fuckin' sweet!"

"It's called Super Mega Space Death Wars, it's a free online MMPORG. Well, the first twenty-four hours or so really." Kenny said as he manned his position and began shooting at another ship. "It's totally fucking tits. You get to build your own crew and all sorts of shit. It's like _The Sims _meets _Star Trek Online _meets _Star Wars: The Old Republic _meets... uhhhh... fuck I don't know what else."

"I'm registering an account right away!" Cartman began trying to use the keyboard, although it wasn't easy on his fat fingers, "Tell me when you get a friend invitation from BigBoned!" Kenny laughed loudly, "What?"

"You guys have fun. I'm going to work on my report on Ulysses S. Grant for Social Studies." Kyle said, turning and typing at record-breaking speeds while Cartman and Kenny focused on their game. Kyle glanced back jealously but shook his head and returned to the task at hand.

"My wife wants a divorce. We have to fight for her." Kenny said quickly mashing buttons, "If I beat you, I get promoted to the next rank!"

"Pfft, like you ever had a wife, Kinney." Cartman mashed buttons, trying to defeat Kenny but it wasn't going so well, "Stop it, Kinney! Godammit Kinney you're maing me lose! Kinney!" Cartman pushed Kenny out of his chair angrily, then turned back to the game and button-mashed, "Oh look Kinney, I won!'

"What are you guys playing?" Craig approached, Token and Clyde alongside him. Cartman chuckled and continued mashing buttons, ignoring them. Kenny got a grip on his chair and got off the ground, stretching as he got back in his chair. Kenny looked by Craig,

"We're playing Super Mega Space Death Wars." Kenny explained, "Just Google Search it, you can find it... haha, Cartman, you're a smuggler now you fat piece of shit!" he laughed, "You create a character and a ship and there's a bunch of planets and you can dogfight in space or fight on land and there's laser guns and glowy swords and giant robots and living teddy bears and Jackovasaurs!"

"That actually sounds kind of cool... hey guys, wanna try it?" Craig asked his friends. Although Craig hated excitement in real life, he was far from afraid to play exciting video games. Token and Clyde nodded and the trio began to walk off.

"Hey, uh, Clyde, could you stay here for a second?" Cartman said. Clyde raised an eyebrow and approached, "Kahl, Kinney, this is important guys, turn around." The group all turned around to face Clyde, "Clyde, since our friend Stan turned into a colossal butthole we've been... we've been trying really hard to find someone to replace him. It's been a tough process but our first candidate didn't work out so we were hoping to see if you'd like to try."

"Me? Really? You guys wanna hang out with me?" Clyde said, flattered, as he burst out into tears, wiping his eyes with his gloves, "I'm sooo happy!" he cried out.

"Isn't that Craig's joke?" Kyle raised an eyebrow and rolled his eyes before turning back to his project.

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

As Stan's birthday is October 19th, I set this story in October 2011 - and _Paranormal Activity 3_ comes out on the 21st. So it works well.

References:

* Jimmy is of course referencing the Season 5 classic "_Cripple Fight_"

* In Seasosn 8's "_Good Times With Weapons_" it is implied Red is Skeeter's daughter, and for the past three seasons the town bar has been renamed Skeeter's Bar. (Where is Skeeter anyway?)

** Consequently, Skeeter is often likened to Craig's father Thomas, and is seen as Craig's uncle, and I kept that bit of fanon into my storylines.

* Kevin and Red, as I mention every time I use the two, sit together at lunch from the first through fourth seasons, though by the sixth they sit apart.

* Kevin and Tuong Lu Kim are both Chinese, so I made them relatives. This is pure fanon on my part. And Wing is Lu Kim's wife in "_Wing_" from Season 9 so therefore she is Kevin's aunt.

* Cartman's hand is of course a reference to Mitch Connor from "_Fat Butt and Pancake Head_", "_200_", "_201_" and arguably "_T. M. I_." in Seasons 7, 14, 14, and 15.

* In the Season 5 episode "_Kenny Dies_", Cartman tells Kenny while alone he's always felt their were best friends and in Season 9's "_Best Friends Forever_" Kenny admits in his will they are best friends except he only feels sorry for him.

* In "_Poor and Stupid_" from Season 14, Kenny and Cartman are both NASCAR fans.

* We find out in the Season 13 finale "_Pee_" that Kyle hates urine, and he also hates bananas.

* Kyle has to enjoy kites - after all, as we see in the Season 14 episodes "_Coon 2: Hindsight_", "_Mysterion Rises_" and "_Coon vs. Coon and Freinds_" he is the Human Kite.

* Bebe has an obession with shoes as of "_The List_" circa Season 11, and has loved Kyle's ass since "_Clubhouses_" way back in Season 2.

* Since "_The Mexican Staring Frog of Sri Lanka_" in Season 2, Jimbo and Ned's new call is supposed to be "We gotta thin out their numbers!"

* The car in front of the McCormick house looks broken to me - no tires.

* Tammy's last name is Warner in the Season 13 episode "_The Ring_", which is the same last name of Yakko, Wakko and Dot the main characters of Animaniacs.


	2. Chapter 2

**"The Former Life of Stan"_ - Chapter Two  
><em>**

The Elephant exhibit at the South Park Zoo was rather well-built: a short fence, some bushes with an information sign, a deep moat, and then an artificial desert landscape. A pair of African bush elephants stood, eating grasses. Stan knew one of those elephants used to belong to Kyle but he couldn't tell them apart - they looked like two gigantic turds. He sighed - the one thing he thought he had left and even animals had become nothing but shit to him. He felt so isolated - his eyes were opened to the real world and nobody else seemed to notice. A pigeon landed next to him but as Stan refocused his eyes to get a better look, it seemed to turn into a turd before his very eyes.

"Stan." Randy approached, him and Stuart have sobered up in their time at the zoo so far and instead having bought too much cotton candy for two grown men in their forties to consume, agreeing cotton candy was a far better addiction than alcohol. Stuart waited at the bench while Randy spoke, "Look we have to go soon - we have time for one more exhibit but then we better go home." Randy said, but then perked up, "You're having fun though, right?" Despite Randy's childishness and selfish quest to be young, he seemed to genuinely care about his son and his happiness.

"Uhh, how about the Small Mammal House?" Stan asked hopefully, mentally praying at least one thing he sees doesn't look shitty. Randy put a hand on his son's shoulder and tried to put on a smile, feeling bad for Stan. Usually when they went to the zoo Stan was in a great mood, happy and peppy and insisting on seeing everything, but here he was sitting and looking bored and sad. He turned back to Stuart,

"Hey Stu, we're going to the Small Mammal House next!" he called. Stuart raised an eyebrow as he finished his cotton candy and stood up, straightening his back, "You coming with or just going to the car?" Stuart nodded and followed them - Stan knew the zoo's pathways by heart and quickly lead them to the Small Mammal House. He went to the first window and saw a pair of playful North American river otters in the water. Stan smiled for the first time it what felt like weeks when suddenly, before his eyes, the otters turned into slippery pieces of shit. He frowned and looked across to the large capybaras - again, he saw the creatures for a moment before they faded, giant moving shit in it's place.

"You okay, pal?" Randy asked, putting a hand on Stan's shoulder and getting on one of his knees so he could see his young son in the eye, "Look Stan, I know that since me and your mother split up it's been tough, but I'm still your father and I still want to be a part of your life..." he said quietly, "I know you might feel like since I'm not around you don't have to spend time with me anymore, but I still care about you and your sister."

"It's not you, dad." Stan avoided his father's look, putting his hands in his pockets, "Look, I went to the Doctor a week ago and it turns out..." Stan bit his lip. He shouldn't be telling his father - Randy was would probably just use this as an excuse to try to be a doctor for a week or something before returning to geology like nothing happened, and everything would reset just like mom said. But he was vulnerable and lonely, he had to tell someone the truth, "I have cynicism, dad."

"Awh shit, you have that?" Randy said with surprise and a hint of fear - clearly, Randy was familiar with his disorder, "I mean... how about we go over to the library and look up some information on this cynicism? Maybe there's a cure or some way to treat it, you know, like how they treat cancer patients with that stuff that makes their hair fall out."

"That's called chemotherapy, dad." Stan said with a sudden, almost intrusive, glare. He looked down, "What is wrong with me? I'm sorry, dad, you're right... let's just go home." Randy nodded understanding and got up, turning around to find his friend,

"Hey Stuart." Randy turned, "Stu?" he and Stan looked around,

"Over here!" Stuart waved over, body pressed against the glass, "Hey did you know there's these tiny red raccoons that people think are 'pandas'? This is the cutest goddamn thing I've ever seen." A family of extremely terrified Red Pandas were in the back corner of the exhibit, staring out Stuart in deep fear, "This is even better than that time we actually got to go to the movie theater to see Saw... which one was it...?"

"Awh no, don't say something like that, you'll trigger a random flashback!" Randy said with deep concern, hands on his hips, "Aren't we better than that here?"

"I dunno about you, but I sure as hell ain't." Stuart said, staring inside, "Do you think them 89 cents I found on the floor at that arcade is enough to buy a plush toy of these things? I bet my wife would love it. She likes cute stuff. I don't usually but goddamn these things are awesome."

"Come on Mr. McCormick, we have to get going to the library." Stan crossed his arms, "Besides, my dad can drive now, we'll drop you off at home."

"But I need to buy one of these pandas!"

"Okay, you know what? That does it!" Stan said angrily, pointing toward them first, "Screw you guys,.." he pointed toward the door, ."..I'm going to the library."

"...I'm not leaving until I get a furry animal Jesus." Stuart said, hugging the glass as a zookeeper came in and opened a hatch to take the poor creatures off display. Randy sighed and took out his wallet, opening it and skimming his money,

"All right fine, Stuart. How much... you think five dollars'll do it?

xXx

Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Craig, Token, Jimmy, Jason, Timmy, Kevin, Bebe, Red and Tweek all sat in the computer lab at the South Park Public Library, with twelve of the fourteen available seats filled just by the children playing their game. The thirteenth seat was filled by Officer Barbrady, "Aw I totally killed you, Token, you black asshole!" Cartman said loudly, "Never miss with a level fifty-four wizard!"

"Cartman, you can't be a wizard in space, that's stupid!" Craig called out with annoyance, flipping Cartman off. The obese nine-year-old looked back and flipped him off as well,

"You're the stupid one, Craig, you're a freakin' engineer. That's totally gay! Who the hell plays an engineer in a Science Fiction world?"

Craig thought for a moment, "James Doohan."

"Heheh, that's gay." Bill and Fosse walked by, giggling along, seemingly attached to usage of the word 'gay' in any situation, "Totally gay." Kevin got up from his computer,

"Don't you dare call James Doohan gay!" Kevin said, kicking Fosse in the balls. Fosse's eyes widened and he fell on the ground screaming out an endless stream of 'this is gay/that's gay/I'm gay' as Bill stared at his cousin with his hand over his mouth in shock. Kevin sat back down by Red and Jason.

"...Kevin godammit!" Cartman said, rolling his eyes as he returned to his game. "Bebe you goddamn whore of course you have 227 friends." he called toward the back of the lab as Tweek pulled out his hair and smashed his head into the keyboard, "Careful Tweek, do that too much and your head might explode."

"Oh God!" Tweek pulled his hair out, "I'm gonna die, man! I'm so gonna- AH, THEY GOT ME!" Tweek said, running away from his desk and screaming like he'd seen a ghost.

"Okay who killed Tweek? That wasn't cool!" Token said, looking around, "Hey, they got me, too! Guys, there's some kind of assassin running around, gotta be around level thirty... I'm down, too... it's Warcraft all over again."

"You boys are so pathetic, all just worried about some dumb ga- hey, they got me too!" Red pouted, Kevin putting a hand on her shoulder for comfort. Craig let out a groan as he died as well. "Aw, and they took all my EXP points! Now I have to start all over again!" Red added, her cousin flipping her off.

"Timmah!" Timmy said. banging on the keyboard in frustration, "Timmay livalaw Timmah!" Suddenly a nearby study room swiveled open and out walked the most dashing and handsome villain of all time, stepping in front of the computer lab,

"Greetings! I am Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and creator of doom, your feeble starships are no match for me and my minions!" he said with an evil grin as he was joined by his protege, General Disarray.

"So how did our evil plan go this week?" General Disarray asked.

Professor Chaos' sneer disappeared and his normal voice came back as he looked over towards his loyal sidekick, "Hey General Disarray, you're supposed to make a big ol' grand entrance in a minute, I didn't finish my big intro speech and get to you yet... aw hamburgers, who cares anymore? Now, uh, prepare for your doom, video game p-p-players, for my highly-paid assassin is taking you all down!"

Cartman raised an eyebrow, "Butters, no offense man but uh..." Cartman brought out his fist and sneered toward Butters, "Fuck you!"

Professor Chaos stepped toward the back row, "Oh yeah... Bebe, could you get Eric, too?"

"No problem. How much are you paying me again?" Bebe asked as she swiftly pressed the mouse button aimed and fired. Wordlessly, Cartman got up and tossed his headset on the floor. The others all looking around at her, "What, a girl can't be good at a video game? Sexist pigs."

"Bebe, I shoulda known it was you, the fucking assassin character has huge friggin' hooters and more cleavage than goddamn Lara Croft." Cartman said, before pointing to the rest of the computer lab, "Screw you guys..." he pointed toward the door, "I'm going home!"

"So is anyone ese still playing?" Clyde asked.

"Just you, Kenny, Jimmy, Bebe, Kevin, and m- nevermind, I'm out, too." Jason said, taking off his headset and leaving it, "Wow, what a disappointment..." he said, walking off sadly. Kevin angrily tossed his headset down and marched off. Jimmy said nothing, just sighing, taking his crutches and leaving. Kenny was the last man standing for several moments, trekking through the wilderness when his character was hit by lightening...

xXx

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny." Stan walked by the door through the library quietly and stopped for a moment, as if waiting for something. He then sighed, "You bastards." he said quietly with little emotion before he continued onwards toward the diseases section, his father behind him, "Dad, look for C, it should be under there, okay?" Stan said, hoping his father didn't find a way to humiliate them in a public library. Knowing Randy that was too much to ask.

"Stan, I don't see why we can't just see a real Doctor..." Randy crossed his arms with a little annoyance, looking away. Stan rolled his eyes,

"Dad, watching two episodes of House back-to-back is not seeing a real Doctor." Stan said going into an aisle, "And WebMD doesn't count either before you say anything. We know what disease I have, we just need to find a cure for it." he said, looking near the bottom, "Find something on cynicism." Stan said when he saw a red book with the word written on the side, picking it up and opening it. "Cynicism Through The Ages, by Robert T. Pooner..." Stan looked for the first page... "Famous cynics... Niccolo Machiavelli, Jonathan Swift... aw, dude, who would wanna eat babies? That's fucking disgusting!"

"Stanley, language!" Randy said angrily, arms crossed. He sighed and shook his head, "Sorry... look your mother called, I have to bring you home in fifteen minutes so grab your books and I'll drive you home."

"Awh but dad, we just got here!" Stan protested as he took the book under his arm. He was getting so sick of his parents pushing him around since the divorce. He was like a prize, being held hostage by mother or father solely to make the other feel miserable. His sister, meanwhile, got the more traditional treatment with both parents buying her things to win her over. If only they knew what a bitch she really was. "All right, let me read a little more and then we'll go to the register, mom's house is only like five minutes from here..." he mumbled as he read off the page: "The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly - any other: an arm, a leg, money, a wife, is sure to be noticed."

"...Stan, what are you reading? Is that existenti- existenti- exi- that weird bullshit?" Randy put his hands on his hips and took the book out of Stan's hands, "Cynicism is a disease of the brai- oh, it is a book on cynicism. Soren Kierkegaard... what kind of name is that?" Randy shrugged and tucked the book under his arm, "Look Stanley, I think I better bring you back to your mother, okay?"

"Okay, dad..." Stan sighed as they approached the desk to leave. The nice lady at the counter smiled, greeted them and took Stan's library card and the book, and scanned both. "Thank you." Stan said as she handed them back and they walked out toward the car.

xXx

Kyle was sitting at his computer typing up a new Terrance & Phillip fanfic when his door opened up and Cartman, Kenny and Clyde answered unannounced. He quickly saved, minimized the window and opened a game of solitaire. Suddenly his heard jerked to the side, "YOU BASTARDS!" he shook his head and got out of his computer chair, "Sorry, dunno what came over me... how are you guys?"

"Butters is being an ass and killed everyone at the library and my mom was busy with a friend or something so we came here with our laptops. That's okay, right Jew?" Cartman did not say any of this with the usual trademarked brand of venom reserved for Kyle and only Kyle. No, in fact, he said it in a playful tone.

"I guess it's okay." Kyle answered with a nod as they came in, Cartman quickly rooting himself on the bed and opening his Netbook, laying on his fat belly like a cushion. Clyde sat with his back to the bed's side, laptop in his lap as he logged on. Kenny sat his laptop on the floor but sat up as he used it, "You guys still playing that stupid space game?"

"Of course, dude. I just reached won a duel with... Marc3.. 1... 2... oh whatever, Marc a bunch of numbers... and then I unlocked a new side quest on Dantooine." Clyde said as he eagerly mashed the buttons to move forward in his game. Kenny was playing even more devilishly well.

"Dude, this is fucking awesome." Kenny said, getting up and cheering "I just found a new planet and I get to name it after me! Planet Kennya!"

"You named a planet Kennya? Dude, that's a great idea!" Clyde said.

"Yeah, Clyde's right, that's awesome! What a totally creative planet name!" Cartman said, without the dripping sarcasm one would normally associate him with, "Hey guys, could I borrow ten credits to rent a hovercraft?" he looked down toward Clyde and Kenny, "Just ten credits? Please?"

"I spent all my credits on this sweet bandolier." Clyde said, motioning to his character ingame, who looked like a purple alien with two stalks off his head and yellow eyes, wearing a brown-and-blue T-shirt with, yes, a bandolier on him. Cartman rolled his eyes and looked to Kyle for support,

"I wish dude, I don't really play MMPORG's besides Warcraft." Kyle answered as he got back up to his computer desk, opened up his internet browser and logged online. "I mean, don't get me wrong it sounds like fun, but sometimes it's hard enough to remember to check my Warcraft account, you know? None of you guys ever seems to log on, it's like everyone just moved on..."

"Sorry Kahl, I'll log on later and we'll kill some boars- aw, Clyde, your stupid girlfriend just shot me again! Fucking slut!" Cartman said angrily, looking incredulous anyone in the game would even think of shooting him, "Godammit, I need a chocolate gun..." he got up and went to leave for one.

"Don't call my girlfriend a slut, Cartman, or I'll kick your ass!" Clyde narrowed his eyes and balled his fists - the honor of his girlfriend was far more important than some video game. Cartman balled his fists and took a fighting stance as he glared,

"Eh! I'm a black belt in karate class Clyde! Believe me, I'll fuck you up! Back me up on this, Kahl! Tell Clyde I'm a black belt!" Cartman claimed as he held up his fists.

Kyle wasn't one to lie, but this was his best friend Cartman, he couldn't just let Cartman have his ass handed to him, could he? "Uhh... yeah, sure, Cartman's a black belt." Kyle lied, "We used to call him the Ass Master because he, uh, could kick all of our asses." Total lies. All three of them had, at some point, had Cartman beat. Wendy had even beat the shit out of him once.

"Guys, I just reached level fifty-four!" Kenny bragged suddenly, "I made the top ten highest level users on the leaderboards... at least for the United States." regardless, Kenny got up and cheered like he'd just won the lottery. Kyle shrugged, when suddenly there was a knock at his door. He got up and answered to see his mother Sheila, her arms crossed.

"Kyle, bubbe, there's another little girl at the front door to see you." Sheila explained, normally she'd be excited to know a girl was over to see Kyle but she had arms crossed and didn't seem too thrilled. This girl must have really not been her style for some reason. Kyle nodded, turning around,

"Guys, I'll be back in a bit." he nodded as he skipped downstairs to the front door to see Wendy, clutching a textbook and looking rather nervous as she stood at the doorstep, "Wendy, what the hell are you doing here now?"

"...Mrs. Broflovski, may I speak to Kyle alone?" Wendy asked. Sheila nodded and went into the kitchen. She sighed and turned, "Kyle, I don't know who else to turn to. It's just... I thought on the cruise me and Stan had really mended our relationship, you know? And now it seems he can't say a word to me unless he's telling me how shitty he thinks I am. You're his best friend, Kyle, you know how to fix things, right? I mean I know we're not totally best friends after that whole fiasco but please, I need your help."

"Dude, Wendy, fuck Stan." Kyle said, eyes narrow, How could she be so blind? It was as if her entire sense of self seemed to hang on Stan, Stan, Stan. What a stupid freakin' bitch. "He's become a selfish douchebag. Grow up and get over him already. Find someone new."

"Come on, Kyle, don't you believe in true love?" Wendy said with a frown, her brown eyes low. Kyle inhaled, then exhaled, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking her in the eyes,

"Wendy, you're fucking nine. You don't even have the hormones that scientifically cause us to feel 'love'. You're way too young to get this obsessive with a boy. Besides, the Stan you and I knew is gone, he's been replaced by an asshole who sees only shit. He's dead, Wendy. Find a hobby and get over it already. Let it go." Kyle shut the door.

After a few minutes and making sure Wendy didn't plan on coming back, Kyle went upstairs and found his toilet and sat upon the seat, preparing to expel waste, "...oh, took my love, and I took it down... climbed a-" There was a rather loud gaseous noise, and he let out a grunt as there was a loud plop, "Climbed a mountain and I-" Kyle heard a loud moan from his toilet, "...hello?" he said looking down, "...was that?"

xXx

The new "Marsh family" home was in the luxury division of South Park, not far from Token and Wendy. It was a large purple house with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a yard with a wrought-iron fence, a spacious kitchen, a family room, a den, a dining room, a large basement... Stan had been told by his mother when her parents found news of the divorce they gave her a rather generous of cash for the sake of the new house, As Randy pulled up in his car, he got out with his son and went to the front door. Sharon entered with a half-smile, "Hello Randy. Did you and Stan spend the afternoon together?" she asked.

"Yep." Randy smiled, hands on his hips, "I'll see you again in a few days, Stan, have fun with your mother." After admitting their problems and putting everything on the table, Sharon and Randy have maintained a friendly relationship since, and Stan had a fleeting feeling his father hoped for reconciliation, although he could tell his mother was done with him. "Sharon, can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Randy." she nodded, allowing Randy to enter the house with Stan, "Stan, why don't you go say 'hi' to your sister? She's been on her laptop all day iChatting with her boyfriend again. I'm getting worried about that girl, it's like all she cares about is her computer." she said. Stan rolled his eyes simply, not bothering to argue with Sharon about Shelley's online communication habits. Sharon sat down with Randy across from each other at the kitchen table, "I'm making some coffee..." she noted, "So Randy, how's the single life going?"

Randy avoided her gaze, clearly unhappy with himself, "Oh, it's going fantastic, you know, I'm already seeing someone new..." this was not a lie, yet it did not feel like the truth, "You know, uh, the nurse at Hell's Pass Hospital, Rita Goodly? I have her number."

"Oh, good luck!" Sharon gave a supportive smile, "I was seeing the school counselor Mr. Mackey but he, uh, he wasn't interested in anything long-term..." she sighed, getting up and pouring coffee into two mugs, passing one to her ex-husband. "I don't know if I should be so quick to rush back into dating... I mean I'm getting old, Randy. I just turned forty. I mean, look at you, you're two years older than me and you already have a few gray hairs."

"What!?" Randy shot up from the table, "Oh God, where is it? Please tell me it's not on my mustache! Please, Sharon, for all that is good and holy, please tell me my mustache is safe!" Randy said desperately, putting his hands on Sharon's shoulders. His ex-wife's eyes widened as she looked around,

"I... I... no they're near your left ear, I just..." Sharon covered her mouth, hoping no more spilled out, realizing she was setting Randy off. He looked at her, then dashed out the door as if he had to find some kind of important tool he had forgotten. Sharon got up and looked around.

xXx

"Hi Shelley." Stan said, hands in his pockets as he entered his sister's new purple room. Shelley got up from her computer and approached Stan, her blue eyes staring into his with deep hatred. Stan was ready to back away in fear when Shelley punched him in the cheek, knocking Stan back as he felt his teeth crunch against her knuckles, "Ow! Dammit!" Shelley swung another into his left eye, pushing him against the wall as he stared at her with the remaining good eye,

"Schtan!" she narrowed her eyes at him in anger, "What do you want, turd?" Indeed, all he saw was a giant, strong-armed turd.

"Shelley, what do you know about cynicism?" Shelley's eyes widened as she dropped Stan from the wall and looked at him as if seeing him in a new light, She put him down and the fists in her hands disappeared,

Shelley shook her head, "No Schtan, don't tell me you have schynishishm." she said, looking her brother in the eye, "You're jusht curioush? It'sh a joke, right Turdly McTurddington?"

"No, I was diagnosed the other day." Stan said, looking at his sister pleadingly, "Dr. Carrol said it's one of the worst cases he's ever seen."

"Oh no..." Shelley looked up, "Look Shtan there'sh... shomething you need to undershtand..." she put a hand on his shoulder, "You have a sherioush illnessh, and ash much ash I hate you, you're my brother, and I have to help you. Thish will get better, jusht wait." she promised him, turning, now thinking more out loud than anything, "I'll shign you up for a therapy group, they alwaysh help with this short of thing... and then if you shtick to your treatments in a few years it should jusht shtart to shlowly regressh."

"Regress? Treatments? Shelley, how do you know so much about cynicism?"

Shelley turned and looked at him, glaring again, "Look, turd, you're not the only one in the family with schynishishm..."

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

The cruise incident is a reference to me previous fic, "_Play It Again, Stan_". This also established Wendy and Kyle as having both brown eyes, although I now prefer green for Wendy.

Cultural References:

* The McCormicks went to see one of the _Saw_ films.

* The flashbacks joke is a reference to "_Family Guy_" and specifically Matt and Trey's opinion of it.

* James Doohan played Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott in the original "_Star Trek_" series and films.

* Lara Croft is a character from the _Tomb Raider_ games well-known for her puzzles and cleavage.

* _House_ is a medical drama show about Dr. Gregory House and his associates working to solve mysterious medical cases.

* Stan is referenced Jonathan Swift's famous paper _A Modest Proposal _which is, yes, about eating babies.

* Dantooine is a planet mentioned in the _Star Wars_ films.

* Kenya is a country in Africa. Only one N though :P

* Credits are a unit of money used in various Science Fiction series, most notably _Star Wars_ and some planets in _Star Trek._

* "He's Dead, Wendy" is a passing reference to the line "He's Dead, Jim" from the _Star Trek_ franchise media.

South Park References:

* Kyle had an elephant in "_An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig_" way back in Season 1.

* The World of Warcraft incident was covered a long, long time ago in Season 10's "Make Love, Not Warcraft"

* Robert T. Pooner is a pen name used throughout the show, most notably in Season 2's "_Chickenlover_"

* Stan's line about his sister being a bitch is a reference to Shelley's habit of beating him up from only a few scattered episodes, most notably Season 1's "_An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig_"

* Chocolate guns are from the classic Season 5 episode "_How To Eat With Your Butt_"

* Kyle beat up Cartman in multiple episodes including "_Kenny Dies_" in Season 5 and the legendary Season 10 episode "_Cartoon Wars Part II_", Kenny also fought Cartman in Season 8's "_Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes_" and I don't believe Stan and Cartman have physically fought yet.

* Wendy beat the shit out of Cartman in "_Breast Cancer Show Ever_" from Season 12.

* Amir is Shelley's online boyfriend in the Seaosn 12 episode "_Over Logging_"

* Nurse Goodly appeared prominently back in Season 2's "_Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut_" and made sporadic cameos in the early seasons and the film.


	3. Chapter 3

**"The Former Life of Stan" - Chapter Three  
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Clyde, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny all stood at the bus stop the next morning, awaiting Mr. Venezuela and the bus. They sat in their perfect order when Clyde stepped forward, "You guys this isn't right."

"What are you talking about?" Kyle raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms with confusion. It was perfect - Clyde was closest to the bus stop, then Kyle, then Cartman and finally Kenny. "Everyone's here, it's right order - what's not to love, dude?"

"Every time one of you guys is missing you try to fill the spot. You replaced Cartman with me during that stupid sled thing, and when Kenny was on vacation in Malibu (Kenny coughed loudly at this) you replaced him with Butters and then Tweek, and now you're trying to replace Stan with me! It's not right! Stop treating your group like it's some stupid organization - you can't just 'replace' your friends. It doesn't work that way."

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Shut up, Clyde, okay? Either you're our new Stan, or we kick you out and go ask Jimmy or Timmy to replace you, okay? Okay, Clyde?"

Clyde sighed and looked down submissively, "Okay, fine..." he said. Craig, Token, Jason and Jimmy began walking by toward their own bus stop when Clyde stepped in front, "Woah woah, you guys replaced me with Jason? Seriously? Dude, nobody likes Jason!"

"Sorry Clyde, we just needed a f-f-f-fah, f-f-f-faah, f-f-f-fresh face." Jimmy said, standing still on his crutches as his eyes met Clyde's. "It's nothing p-p-personal."

Jason turned to face his friends, books under his arms, "Wh-what do you mean nobody likes me?" he looked to Token and Craig, "He's kidding, right? Guys?"

"I can't believe you dicks! We're supposed to be best friends, Craig, but here you go replacing me with fucking Jason! Couldn't it at least be someone half-decent like Tweek or Kevin?" he begged, "I mean seriously, was this really all I was to you? The kid who gives homework answers?"

"...what's wrong with giving people homework answers?" Jason said quietly, looking to his new friends for support. Craig rolled his eyes and stepped forward,

"Look Clyde, you left the group, that was your decision, if a shitty one. Then you joined this group. Clearly, that means Jason is more popular than you now. Get the hell over it." Craig said, "Kevin's a nerd and Tweek's fucking annoying. Quit pissing your pants and have fun with your shitty new friends, deserter. I have to get to therapy..." Craig walked off.

"Fine, leave!" Clyde called, "What is it with groups of four..." he crossed his arms as Token, Jason and Jimmy followed Craig off.

"Your old friends are fucking weird." Kenny noted to Clyde, who rolled his eyes when the four were approached again, this time by five girls. Wendy, Bebe, Heidi, Annie and Red stood together in front of the boys. "Hey ladies, you're all looking sexy today!"

"Oh, thank you, Kenny!" Bebe smiled and blushed, not really considering that Tammy Warner, if she was here, would probably be socking her in the face. And it was well-known that Tammy had a pretty killer right hook, so this was no laughing matter.

"Oh, of course a stupid slut like you thanks him for being a sexist bastard!" Heidi rolled her eyes at Bebe, glaring as she turned her head, mousy hair swaying in the wind. Heidi put her hands on her hips, "You think you're so smart, Bebe, you stupid spoiled whore."

"Yeah Bebe, you're an ugly skank, how about you fuck off and leave us alone?" Cartman said angrily, moving next to Heidi and flipping Bebe off, "Nobody wants your freakin' herpes!" Clearly this was revenge for her killing his character back in Super Mega Death Space Wars.

"Man, Annie, Red, can I join your group?" Kenny said enthusiastically, finding the idea of spending every living hour with a bunch of girls far more entertaining than doing so with a bunch of asshole guys who can barely remember or even notice him or his actions. Red, like her cousin would, flipped him off.

Wendy rolled her eyes and stepped forward, "Kyle, could I speak with you, please?" Kyle knew what this was about, sighed and stepped aside with her, "Look Kyle, I'm sorry about yesterday but it's really important to me we have a talk about this... there has to be something you know about Stan's condition, I'm really worried..."

"Wendy, how about you stop making such a big deal about it? You two are ten years old, you're too young to be worrying about any of this relationship stuff. Besides, he could do so much better. I mean what kind of guy thinks a flat-chested brunette in freakin' pink and purple is hot?" Kyle said, putting his own hands on his hips with annoyance at her. Wendy looked down,

"Eh, go easy on the ho, Kyle, I don't want her to try to kick your ass, buddy." Cartman said, putting a hand on Kyle's shoulder for comfort. He then turned back to Bebe, "Yeah, well fuck you Bebe!"

"Look Wendy, do everyone else a favor and just fuck off." Kyle spat on the ground. Wendy sighed and turned, leaving, finally getting the message. Kyle returned to his group, "Godammit where is that freakin' bus already?"

xXx

Stan had his arms crossed as he sat in his pull-up chair - this whole idea seemed pretty shitty to him. It wasn't fair. Why did he have to sit here with all these people discussing a disease nobody else understood? What a load of shit.

A man in his late fifties with blue eyes, square glasses and thick gray hair entered, sitting back and wearing a blue sweater over a white buttoned shirt, and holding his pen firmly to his clipboard, "All right everyone, my name is Dr. Marshall. How are we all feeling?" he smiled warmly.

"Shitty." everyone answered with mixes of sadness and anger.

"Understood. Now cynics, we have a new member in our therapy group today, everyone please give a warm welcome to Stan." he motioned to Stan, who gave a small, bored wave.

"Dammit Billy, no grandson of mine is getting cynicism! First you young people remake our movies, then you take away our health care and now you want our diseases!" Grampa Marsh complained.

"Grampa, leave Shtan alone, hesh going through a tough-shit time right now. How eashy wash it for you when you shtarted sheeing turdsh everywhere, huh?" Shelly said angrily, facing her grandfather with contempt, "Why won't people realishe thish shit is hereditary."

"Hereditary? Oh no, not Bebe." Mr. Stevens, a quiet man with brown hair and glasses in a suit put a hand over his face, "Not my poor daughter! God spare her!"

"It's not hereditary, that's a load of shit! Nobody in my family had cynicism and look at me." Craig Tucker proceeded to flip off each and every person present, "You're all just looking for an excuse to bitch about it, something to blame, a cause instead of a cure."

"Poser." Sparrow, the goth boy with red hair, flipped it out of his face, "You're whining, too, little freakin' conformist. We all have a problem, you know, not just you and your dumb finger."

"Timmih!" Timmy agreed, moving his wheelchair forward to emphasize his point. Linda Stotch continued to cry into her handkerchief, mascara running. She had no comment still.

"Look, everyone, try to relax, you're all here because you all have an incurable disease, one our scientists know very, very little about. We have no treatment, no theories, all we know is after a birthday - usually the tenth or fortieth, but it can be any - a patient develops a severe case of it and sees absolutely nothing but pure shit everywhere, progressing at a rate that seems to range by individual. We had the town's best working on it, but Dr. Mephesto has refused to work and Dr. Marsh took time off to teach his new T. M. I. formula. The disease's rates have been skyrocketing in the past decade and we just don't know what to do. The point of this therapy session is so you can all come to terms with your condition."

"Sir," Craig piped in patiently, "I just want you to know, I have absolutely no respect for you whatsoever."

"I am okay with that." Dr. Marshall replied simply, "Now, I'd like you all to name the one thing or person who looks worst to you. Who is the biggest, grossest, droopiest piece of shit you've encountered? Who's the biggest turd, huh?"

"He- that weird freaky voodoo chick who hangs out with us." Sparrow said quietly and apathetically.

"My little brother." Shelly crossed her arms and looked into Stan's direction.

"Either my ex-best friend or my dumbass girlfriend." Stan answered truthfully.

"My wife's looked like total shit to me for years now." Mr. Stevens admitted.

"Gobbles!" Timmy said loudly before rubbing his wrist and staring off into space again, as he did.

"My husband and son are the only ones I've ever seen this way... everyone else seems fairly normal..." Linda said, slowly calming down, mascara still running down her cheeks, "Just earlier I caught Steven watching a gay- I mean, a movie, and he looked like complete shit."

Craig flipped Dr. Marshall off and refused to answer the question.

"It's all the same shit to me." Grampa replied with honesty.

"Interesting results... it seems a recurring theme with this disease is a loss of friends, or loved ones. But until we can find a way to properly isolate the pathogen, I'm afraid there's little we can do but watch the relationships deteriorate."

xXx

"All right class, it's time for that Math exam I mentioned to you the other day." Mr. Garrison passed out papers to the students, who in turn passed them until each student had their paper, "Good luck, all right?" Garrison sat at his desk and looked at his framed photograph again. The kids quickly picked up their pencils and began writing. Cartman looked both ways,

"Pssst, Clyde, Clyyyde, psst, Clyde, what's the answer to number four?" he whispered. Clyde glared at Cartman, then returned to his work, scribbling his answers in quickly, "Clyde you black asshole, come on, Stan always let me copy!" Clyde's mouth opened in angry shock.

"Uh, I'll help you, Eric." Butters volunteered with a friendly smile.

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Butters, fuck off."

Garrison looked up, angry to be torn from his memories to deal with an unruly student again, "Eric, is there a problem?"

"Yes, there is, Mr. Garrison. Clyde's being a friggin' dick!" Cartman whined, jabbing a fat finger at Clyde with anger, Kyle watched with deep concern for his friend as Cartman glared at Clyde.

"Cartman's trying to copy off Clyde's test answers." Kenny explained, much to Cartman's chagrin.

"Kinney, you tattle-tailing freak! I'm going to make you wish you were never conceived you little bastard!" Cartman said reaching for Kenny but unable to get to him through Red's desk, "Godammit you stupid bitch, get out of the way!"

"Don't call her a bitch, Cartman!" Kevin Stoley interjected.

"Oh Kevin, stay out of it, fucking geek, 'ohh wah my stupid ginger girlfriend got called a bitch!'" Cartman mocked as he tried to reach for Kenny, "Kinney godammit!"

"Eric, please stop trying to copy off other students' papers or trying to beat up other students or so help me..." Garrison grinded his teeth with anger.

"It's not my fault Clyde's being a dick, Mr. Garrison." Cartman said in his own defense, though he did little to help his own case, "Usually I'd copy off my best friend," he motioned to Kyle, "But I wouldn't dare get Kahl in trouble. Then I'd try Stan, but now he has that stupid disease. Thinks he's so goddamn special when he's just a boring tu-"

Garrison shot up from his desk and slammed his fists down, "Eric Theodore Cartman, how dare you disrespect me in my own classroom like this!" he stepped forward, reaching Cartman's facial level, "First you make fun of your best friend, the day after Friendship Day nonetheless, and now you're insulting a student with a serious chronic illness? How about you get the fuck out of my classroom and go see Principal Victoria immediately!" the bell rang, and Garrison's demeanor immediately changed, "Enjoy your lunch, students!" he smiled and returned to his photograph.

xXx

"Principal Victoria, Eric is out of control." Mr. Garrison said, hands on his hips, standing next to Cartman, who was playing with his iPhone in a chair across from Principal Victoria. "I can no longer keep him in my class, he's just... he's too much for me! I'm sorry! I've taken it for two years now, I just- I can't handle it anymore. Get this bastard out of my classroom before I go fucking insane."

"Mr. Garrison, are you all right?" Principal Victoria said, "I understand Eric's quite a handful but you seem to be having some kind of a nervous breakdown right now..."

Cartman coughed as he texted on his iPhone, "Mr. Garrison's always having a freakin' nervous breakdown, he sucks ass. He's even worse than that gay ass _Transformers 3 _movie. Megan Fox wasn't even in the damn thing!"

"Shut your fucking mouth, Eric!" Garrison screamed, much to Victoria's and Cartman's shock. Cartman then resumed what he was doing, albeit silently.

"Mr. Garrison, you can't behave this way to students. I'm going to give you a few days off to sort your things out. If you're not all right soon, we're going to have to suspend your teaching license. Mr. Mackey will take over the class for you, okey-dokey?" Victoria said. Garrison glared with hate.

"Fine, you watch Principal Victoria, you'll see me again real soon!" Garrison marched out overdramatically like a child losing his toys. Then he returned, "Oh, and uh, I forgot to say, Eric was cheating off other students' test answers."

"EH!" Cartman yelled as Garrison left the room again, "Principal Victoria, can I go to lunch now please? Me very hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat a zorse." Cartman begged, "Get it? A zorse? You know what a zorse is, right?"

"I don't really care, Eric. Look, God knows how much I've let you get away with already..." she sighed heavily, "Look Eric, if you don't clean up your act soon, I'm going to have to expel you - just wait until you step another toe out of line, you'll be gone sooner than the Flash."

Cartman raised an eyebrow, "...Principal Victoria, is that cultural reference really relevant to the topic at hand, or is it just a pointless cultural observance for humorous value? This isn't a _Family Guy _fanfic here."

Victoria rubbed her forehead, "Eric, I will make whatever cultural references I please. Now go to lunch already before I really do expel you!" she said angrily, sitting back at her desk as Cartman rushed out, "Next student!"

xXx

"I can't believe they still haven't found a new cafeteria chef, I mean there's plenty of poor, jobless adults in South Park and the only people to show up have been Mr. Derp and Stan's Dad." Kyle noted to Clyde, who nodded in agreement. The two sat next to each other with Kenny to Kyle's left and Jimmy to Clyde's right. Opposite them sat Jason, Token, Craig and Timmy. In the spirit of Friendship Day, everyone was sitting with their respective choices - thus why Timmy was allowed at the kids' table, and why Butters was off with Dougie.

"Yeah, nobody makes tacoes like good ol' Chef." Clyde observed, poking the 'healthy' taco on his plate. A lot of the school's new healthy food was good but fuck did the new tacoes taste like shit. Suddenly they heard a voice and Clyde and Kyle made room for Cartman, who joined them with his tray, and a hamburger.

"You guys, you guys, I'm so seriously, you won't believe what I just came up with!" Cartman said, breathing heavily, he shoved a few fries in his throat as everyone, except Kenny, stared for a response. He then sighed, "Okay, so you know the Space Wars game? Tonight afterschool we're going to have an online party at World 58. Bring your weapons, your armor, your ship, your items, your money, everything. It's going to be off the freakin' hook."

"Yeah, cool, we can pay Bebe to walk around and guard everyone." laughed Craig, "Make sure no assholes come in and kill everybody." the other kids laughed along with him, "No, but seriously, we should invite everyone in our school - nobody else though."

"Yeah, Craig's right, it'll be like the parties my dad has for his old college buddies all the time, except nobody's going to bring a bunch of cocaine and get arrested." Token said as if it was no big deal, taking a bite of his hamburger, "Is it really too much to ask for cheese on the burger? I mean really?"

"Anyway, everyone here is invited - except Kinney, because Kinney's lame and has no friends!" Cartman smirked, "Hahaha, you have no friends, 'cuz you are poor and lame, and poor people don't have social lives, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

"Well I can't make it either, Eric, I don't really play that game..." Kyle confessed, "I mean I've been meaning to but I had so much homework yesterday and I dunno online gaming's not my thing, and I'm still kind of a Wacraft guy..."

"Pfft, don't worry Kahl, I'll walk you through character creation, buddy, how about afterschool in the library computer lab? Assuming Barbrady isn't there again checking if he has a Wikipedia page yet..."

xXx

Officer Barbrady sat in the dark at the South Park Public Library on the sole computer still on, "Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-dee, where's my article wiki!" he said as he went to Wikipedia and searched 'Officer Barbrady' only to be redirected to _List of Terrance & Phillip Supporting Characters, _"Aw, nuts."

xXx

"I appreciate it, Eric, but I can't make it, I promised my parents I'd watch my brother tonight. Maybe tomorrow?" Kyle offered. Normally Cartman'd call him a dumb stupid jew, but instead he smiled and put a hand on his shoulder,

"Any time, buddy!"

Jason covered his mouth, "Awwh, this is making me freakin' sick!" he said, looking rather queasy indeed, "It's like watching _Cloverfield_ in fast forward."

"Shut up Jason, nobody even knows who the hell you are! How about you go back to Denver you stupid wannabe character?" Cartman yelled. Jason, dejected, sighed and got up to leave, followed by Token who turned and glared at Cartman. "See you, dickwads." He took the now open seat between Craig and Timmy.

"Hey Kenny, why you so d-d-d-dow, d-d-d-dow-dow, d-d-d-down?" Jimmy asked to the boy in the orange hoodie, who had a hand on his cheek and was looking away, "You okay, p-p-pal? Kenny?"

"Jimmy, not right now..." Kenny sighed heavily, closing his eyes and mentally blowing off steam already. He just wanted to be alone right now.

xXx

"All right class, now we're going to talk about the songs that sound the shittiest, to us? How about uh, Mrs. Stotch?" Dr. Marshall said, looking over to Mrs. Stotch, who stood up, holding her hands and looking nervous, "Go on, Linda, nobody's judging you."

"...uhhh... B-B-B-Barbra Streisand... anything by her..." she sat down and began crying her eyes out again. Marshall rolled his eyes,

"Yet another person who believes Barbra Streisand is the worst and shittiest singer of all-time - starting to feel more like a statistic than an opinion." Marshall said, "Guess I'm going to have to be one to introduce everyone to Rebecca Black." Suddenly there was a knock.

"Sorry, am I interrupting anything?" everyone turned to the doorway to see Herbert Garrison peering in. The school teacher stepped forward and scratched the back of his head. "I mean, hell... I-I think I have a mild, a MILD case. No, I need to stop lying. A severe case. One so severe I lost my best friend over it."

"Mr. Garrison?" Stan raised an eyebrow with surprise, "You're a cynic?"

"Sir, this is a closed session, who let you in?" Marshall stood up, tucking the clipboard under his arm as he turned around.

"One of your interns, the blonde with the accent." Garrison explained, "Listen Dr. Marshall, I-I'm not here for myself, I'm here for my best friend. He needs this much more than I do..."

"Best friend?" Stan asked.

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

_Cultural References:_

* The iPhone is a commonly-used Apple Product.

* _Transformers: Dark of the Moon, _the third film in the franchise, did not involve Megan Fox, who's career surged based on the original film in 2007.

* The Flash is a DC Comics superhero who can move at super-fast speeds, fuckin' duh

* The _Family Guy _reference does have a bit of a point, because the latest season of Family Guy [note: the 9th season was from 2010 - 2011] has been comprised of primarily plot-relevant jokes. It's just a bit of irony that the show's trying to give up on it's trademark to appease critics, ala Cartman.

* _Cloverfield_ is a 2008 monster film most well-known for it's shaky camera style.

* You should know damn well who Barbra Streisand is.

* Rebecca Black is a notorious teenage singer who recorded _Friday_, a song with laughably lyrics and mediocre, auto-tuned singing. Though I don't mind it, I had to toss in the joke.

_South Park References:_

* Clyde replaced Cartman in the Season 4 episode "_Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000_"

* During Season 6, Kenny was replaced by Butters, Tweek, and then himself in Cartman's body.

* Randy was teaching his T. M. I. formula as a doctor in the Season 15 episode "_T. M. I."_

* Gobbles is Timmy's pet turkey from the Season 4 episode, "_Helen Keller! The Musical_"

* Cartman's middle name was established as Theodore in Season 2.

* Garrison suffered a nervous breakdown in several episodes in Season 2 as well as in the Season 4 episode "_Fourth Grade_" and arguably in the Season 12 episode "_Eek, a Penis_!"

* Randy was the cafeteria chef in Season 14's "_Creme Freiche_"


	4. Chapter 4

**"The Former Life of Stan"_ - Chapter Four  
><em>**

Dr. Marshall sighed, "All right, everyone please give a warm welcome to the newest member of our cynicism therapy sessions... Mr. Hat." he motioned to the small puppet over Mr. Garrison's hand as everyone clapped lazily, "Mr. Hat is forty-three years old, homosexual, racist and enjoys barbecues, romantic movies and masturbating to football games."

"Hi Mr. Hat." everyone greeted with boredom. A lot of people looked ready to leave, "Dr. Marshall, can we end this stupid thing already? It's not doing any fucking good." Stan asked, arms crossed.

"Just a few more questions, Mr. Marsh." began Dr. Marshall,

Stan's grandfather Marvin looked both ways, "Huh? What?" Dr. Marshall facepalmed and looked at his clipboard,

"All right... now, what doesn't look like shit to you guys?" he asked curiously, looking around at his subjects. They all shifted uncomfortably. Timmy rolled up,

"Timmah... timmay tim tim timmah... livin' a law timmay..."

"Terrible story, Mr. Burch." Dr. Marshall took off his glasses and wiped away some tears, "You have such a way with words, young man. How about you, Mr. Tucker?"

"Fingers." Craig admitted, crossing his arms, "That's it. Hands and fingers always look normal to me." He flipped him off, possibly for emphasis.

"Very good... and, uh, how about you, Mrs. Stotch, you've been quiet today?"

"I... knitting always helps me feel better... I've knitted little Butters so many sweaters, but as soon as he wears them they just turn into shit, just like him... oh God..." she began crying into her arms again, as if some kind of vital life line had been cut.

"All right then, Linda." Dr. Marshall took notes on his clipboard, "How about our new member, Mr. Hat? What isn't shitty to you?"

"Penises. Nice long cocks... they're absolutely normal to me, always... especially-"

"I think that's enough to traumatize our younger readers. How about... uhh... the others?" Dr. Marshall asked the remaining members of the group.

"My brother and the internet. I love hearing Shtan'sh little screamsh of pain every time I push him down the shtairsh... and Amirsh' schreamsh of anger when I menshion Kevin McCormick..." Shelly explained with a yawn, sounding a bit nervous at that last line.

"...Drinking helps me." Grampa said with absolutely no detail or explanation.

Mr. Stevens shifted, "Just, you know, work. Work always helps, I guess... but even that's starting to fade back to shit." he said with a heavy dose of skepticism, "Nothing's been unaffected. I can't even enjoy my wife anymore... I didn't marry her because of her brains, people!"

Sparrow yawned, "Notebooks and pencils. I lost notebooks... pencils are all I have left..."

"All right then..." Dr. Marshall finished his notes, "The next question we're going to cover... what is your take on how you became cynical? Mr. Marsh, first? The-the younger one!"

"Well I dunno, I just, it all happened on my birthday, but I guess maybe it went back further than that. Now I can't even look at my best friend without seeing how-" Suddenly a timer went off with a foul beeping,

"And it seems that's all the time we have for today." Dr. Marshall sighed, "Gang, we made a lot of progress today. We regroup tomorrow, same time, okay? I have another meeting to get to so get out of here already." he told them, looking over his clipboard as the cynics all proceeded to leave. He approached the telephone and held it to his ear, "Mackey? Yes, it's Marshall. Gather the team."

xXx

"All right, class, that ends our coverage of the first season of Gossip Girls, remember to turn in your homework before class tomorrow... except you, Clyde, you get an 'A' as long as you bring in an example of those shoes I mentioned." Bebe smiled and turned off the projector, letting the screen roll up. The bell then rang and the kids all filed out to the hallways.

"Awesome!" Clyde said, cheering as he left to meet his friends. Bebe was the last to enter the hallway, casually observing the chaos around her - may be chaos, but the chaos to which she had grown accustomed. She saw her boyfriend approach his current group of friends Kyle, Kenny and Cartman at their lockers before she left to attend to her own.

"So you guys wanna meet up in World 43 and fight some of those Cardassians?" Cartman asked as he took his books under his arm, "Those guys seriouslah piss me off."

"What? Why are we hurting the Kardashians?" asked Butters, stopping in his tracks, holding his books, eyebrows wide, "Haven't they been through enough, Eric?" Butters was not fond to recall their death months earlier.

"...Butters godammit, fuck off you stupid melvin." Cartman said with annoyance as Butters nodded and left, "Well assholes?" he looked to his friends for answers. Kyle and Kenny both looked down, but Clyde merely shrugged,

"I'm down for World 43 tonight."

"I'll try to show up, but I might be kind of busy..." Kenny confessed, unsure how much to tell his friends about his plans for the evening - what if they're offended? No, they wouldn't be, they wouldn't even ask what he's up to...

"Oh, I see how it is Kinny!" Cartman sneered before turning to leave, "Come on Clyde, Kahl." Kyle and Clyde followed, Kyle turning back to give Kenny a confused look before continuing off with them, "So Kahl you gonna be there?" Cartman asked as they faded off into the distance.

"Not really..."

"That's fahn."

Kenny sighed to himself, "Is it too much to ask to have a best friend? Someone who really gives a fuck if I live or die?" he said as the hallways began to clear. Token and Jason walked by with their books, and then a passerby turned,

"Nngh I know how you feel!" Tweek replied, passing by as he reached his own locker, "I don't have a best friend either!" he quickly opened it and grabbed his books frantically.

Kenny looked back, "...Hey, are you thinking what I am?"

Tweek slammed his door shut, holding his stuff with both arms as he shook, so it didn't go flying everywhere, "Probably not, ack, unless you think your parents were raped by the underpants gnomes too, nngh."

"...I wouldn't say raped..."

xXx

After the therapy session ended, Stan was walking home outside, watching as Craig was picked up by his mother. Ms. Stotch was walking with Stan, considering she lived on the same street anyway.

"...and ever since I left the car that day poor Butters has looked like nothing but poo to me..." she cried, "It never got me before but that day, that horrible day... and Chris-"

"Is it Stephen or Chris? Make up your damn mind." Stan reprimanded, but Linda sighed,

"I will when he does, believe me... then again after four in the afternoon all that comes out of that man's mouth is endless shit."

"God, you know this'd be alot more interesting if I actually cared at all." Stan told her angrily,

"Fine, walk home by yourself then!" Linda cried, desperate for companionship but knowing when she was not wanted. Stan sighed, taking the road behind the school, hoping not to run into his old friends. Assholes, abandoning him, he thought. He continued to walk until he heard a familiar smoky voice, "Well Raven, it's been quite a while."

"Look you guys, I just want to get home from my cynicism therapy, okay?" Stan told the Goths - Wednesday, Razor and Pagan stood, Stan raised an eyebrow, then Sparrow walked past him, sat with the group, and proceeded to raise an eyebrow,

"Cynicism? Aw man, that is uber cool, totally hardcore goth right there." Pagan said, "I wish I had a disease like that."

"No, you don't dude, okay? All you see is shit, everywhere, shit and turds, and diarrhea, and stuff like that. It's a living hell." Stan glared, "My parents divorced, my friends abandoned me and I cant' even play Xbox without seeing giant turds. Is that really what you want in life? Really?"

"My parents are already divorced." Pagan took a whiff of his cigarette.

"I already have cynicism." Sparrow said bitterly.

"Yeah, our lives can't get worse." Wednesday added.

"Uh, yeah, they can. What would you have if not each other, unified by a mutual hate for conformists." Stan noted.

...ugh, just leave us alone you poser." Wednesday said with annoyance - she liked Raven, but did she hate Stan.

"You know what? I'll answer it for you: nothing. You're just four pathetic hypocrites who think you're so gddamn 'cool' for being non-conformist but all you do is the exact same black emo shit over and over again. Then you sit and whine about your problems, drink coffee and write gay poetry and yell at people who use any term besides 'goth' to describe you, and just wallow in your own misery. You act like you're so apathetic and uncaring but you're really just a bunch of attention whores trying to look cool by pretending not to care, and it works because now all the guillible people think you're so 'deep'. You're all the same, just conforming to each other, despite your distaste for conformists." Stan then spat, "Fuck you all, right in the ear."

"...did he just accuse us of being conformists?" Razor said in disbelief.

Stan continued walking when again he was stopped, this time by Wendy. "Where have you been all day, Stan? I've been getting really worried about you..." she confessed. Stan glared,

"Leave me alone, Wendy." he told her angrily, closing his eyes, then trying to walk off but her stepping in front of him.

"Stan, please tell me what's wrong, you're not acting like yourself."

"Wendy, look..." Stan sighed, "I think... I think we need to see other people." he told the Wendy-shaped pile of shit in front of him.

"Wh-what?" Wendy's eyes widened, looking like she'd been kicked, "Are... are you...?"

"Yes, Wendy, I'm breaking up with YOU. I've had enough. Goodbye." Stan turned and kept walking even as she protested.

"Stan, wait-"

"No." Stan turned, "I'm sick of waiting - face it Wendy, I'm through with you. I mean, we're ten years old, clearly the fact we're that young means we don't care about each other at all."

"Is... is that what this is really about?" Wendy said, tearing up but scowling, "You're such a child sometimes, Stan. You turned ten and now you feel old, so you're pushing away everything you used to love to make yourself seem older. You're getting old Stan, but you're still young." Wendy told him, sighing, "Look... it was fun while it lasted." she kissed him on the cheek and left.

xXx

"Gentlemen, we are the best psychological minds Park County has to offer, surely there's something we can think of!" Dr. Marshall said, gathered with Mr. Perkins from Lake Tardicaca, multiple personality specialist and local City Wok owner Dr. William Janus, school counselor Mr. Mackey, Dr. Jonathan Katz, child psychiatrist and suspected pedophile Dr. "Pal", little person Dr. Nelson and hoarding specialist Dr. Chinstrap.

"I-I'm kind of in the middle of s-s-s-something very important..." Dr. Katz replied, shaking rather erratically as he spoke.

"And what's that?" asked Mr. Perkins, looking gravely concerned with Dr. Katz' condition, "You didn't finish, it's always important to let people finish." he explained.

"Having a v-v-v-very severe s-s-seizure..." Katz explained quietly.

Mr. Mackey looked at the two with concern, "Don't worry, m'kay, if worse things come to worse, we all know the mind meld, am I right, m'kay?" he looked around, most of his fellow counselors nodding. The technique was passed down from counselor to counselor - of course they all knew it.

"Yeah, and me and Dr. Nelson can always take off our shirts and kiss to help out, too." Dr. Pal pointed out. Dr, Nelson looked at him in anger,

"...am I the only one who fucking hears this guy?" Nelson said to his other companians, "This is total sexual harrassment. You see, words are like bullets..." he began to waddle, er, walk.

Tuong Lu Kim's fists clenched and shook as he sat unwillingly on the couch, "Ah don't even know rhat I'm doing heeyah. I tryya manage nice Chirese reshtaraunt and man with barroon head take me array!" he crossed his arms with annoyance. He had a restaraunt to manage!

"M'kay... I don't remember Dr. Janus being Chinese." Mr. Mackey remarked, sitting next to the stubborn Chinese man on the couch.

"Maybe we'll find out if we measure him?" Dr. Pal suggested with a sick, sick grin.

"Stop!" Dr. Marshall rose from his seat, "This is serious! We're all brilliant, scientific, psychiatric minds! Chinstrap, background?" Dr. Chinstrap nodded and began providing his various dramatic Inception-style noises to accompany them, "Cynicism is up 350% from where it was two years ago, and South Park's rate of cynicism has gone from 10% in 2006 to a whopping 35% this April, and it's just climbing higher. Not to mention rates for South Park alone are more than triple the national average. We have an epidemic on our hands, boys, and if we don't get it under control in six months... the entire town could becoming nothing but cynical assholes."

"...boom-boom-boom-boom-chaaa!" Chinstrap finished, outstretching his arms for emphasis.

"...da fucka-you talkin' abrout?" Lu Kim/Janus said.

"M'kay, what we need to do is locate the original patient zero." Mr. Mackey said, tapping a pencil to his chin, "You know, m'kay, the first person to suffer. They should hold a cure, or at least some important answers, m'kay." he pointed out. The other psychologists looked in astonishment,

"I like the way you think, Mackey." replied Marshall, pointing his pencil at him before looking down at his notebook, "There is one person in my therapy group so ancient he could hold the disease's origins within him..."

"Do you people hear yourselves?" came Dr. Nelson's voice in interruption, the others looking at him suspiciously. He waddled forward, "It doesn't work that easily! You don't just find patient zero and cure it like that, if it was that easy we'd all be safe."

"...oh my God, Nelson's got it, too! Pal, take him to my soundproof basement alone in the dark and tie him up - take as much time as you need, we know he's a struggler." Marshall said as Pal grabbed Nelson's arms with a smirk, dragging the midget.

"Me and my little mouth..." Nelson mumbled as he clawed at the ground.

"All right, let's find us a patient!" Chinstrap smirked, clapping his hands and looking at the other psychologists with excitement.

xXx

Stan sat in his bedroom with his Nintendo Wii hooked up, sighing as he played a game of _Godzilla: Unleashed_ - he and the guys played group games years ago, Kenny as Varan, him as Godzilla, Kyle as Anguirus, Butters as Baragon, Cartman as Destoroyah because of that fucking cheap glitch... Stan sighed. He had to go through all his Xbox 360 and Wii games, something had to work. He started it up and began a match. "Ugh... I don't remember the game being this shitty..." he said, mashing buttons, "Ugh, these controls are complete shit... and the roster is shitty, it doesn't even have Hedorah and he's made of shit for real! And all these shitty glitches... you can't even stop Destoroyah! He kicks the shit out of you! And Mothra's tail is shitty and... aw godammit, I'm doing it again!" Stan shut off his Wii and sighed. Was nothing sacred anymore?

"Stanley, are you all right?" Sharon opened his bedroom door and peeked in, "I want to make sure everything's okay, sweetie, you know mommy cares about you very much even if she's not with Randy anymore because he's a selfish asshole. And even though you and your sister will have to put up with possible a new father and of course new boyfriends, I'll always spend time with you and care about you both."

"Okay, mom, I understand." Stan nodded, "But mom, could I ask-" There was a loud ringing.

"Sorry Stanley, Mitch is here, can't talk!" Sharon left the room swiftly making a beeline for the door. Stan walked after her, catching her fluffing her hair before opening the door for Mitch Harris, one of the police detectives, and Sgt. Yates' closest officer, "Oh, hi Mitch." she said quietly, "How are you?"

"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood investigating a grisly murder case a few blocks away and thought I'd drop by check on you. How are things, Sharon?" Mitch asked non-chalantly.

"Oh, everything's absolutely fine, I was just visiting with my son, you know." she tucked some of her fine brown hair behind her ear, "How are you, Mitch? Saving the town again from some filthy soulless murderer?" she batted her eyelashes, trying to flirt with him. Mitch didn't seem to notice,

"Glad to see you're all right then, Sharon. Hey, I was wondering if we could have dinner at Mel's Buffet tonight, my treat?" Sharon grinned at Mitch's offer,

"Of course Mitch, pick me up around eight, I'll freshen up and everything." she nodded toward him, already mentally going through her dresses and makeup, trying to decide exactly what to wear for him, trying to consider every little possibility.

"Well congratulations, Mitch, you're the first one who didn't just hit it and quit it." Stan said from behind Sharon, very apathetic. Mitch raised an eyebrow, "Mom's had like eight boyfriends in a week and a half since we moved and all of them had sex with her and dumped her - first she ran into Mr. Garrison at Mick's Lanes, then there was Scott Tenorman, and her boss, one of the Mayor's aides, some dude named Liam... not to mention I know at least my friends Kyle and Kenny think she's hot."

"Oh... wow, that's-"

"Stanley, go to your room!" Sharon said angrily, turning around and putting her hands on her hips,

"Hey mom, where's Shelly? Oh wait, you don't know, you're too busy dating all the guys in town when all they want to do is see your tits!" he said madly, going back to his bedroon.

"...is now a bad time, Sharon?" Mitch finally asked as she sighed.

"Stanley hasn't taken the divorce very well, Mitch, this is all very new to him I guess... besides, he's wrong." Sharon said bitterly, "I did not sleep with all of those men." Of course not, she'd never sleep with Garrison. "I'll see you at eight, Mitch, and I apologize for my son's unruly behavior."

"It's fine. I'll see you later." Mitch nodded and walked back to his police car and left just as a convertible pulled up, the same one Randy had last time they divorced. He opened the door and Shelly came out and they both walked up to the door,

"Hey Sharon, just bringing Shelly home. She needed a ride from seeing that Kev McCormick kid after her therapy group," Randy explained, "See, I-"

"Randy, you know I don't care about the explanations." Sharon sighed, sick of how her ex-husband hung around her so much, it was as if he still wanted to be with her even though it was clear they should have nothing to do with each other. Sometimes she wondered if that was it. "Thanks for taking her home. Did you have fun, Shelly?"

"No, therapy shucksh." she went straight to her room with barely a word, hoping to call her darling Amir. There was a loud honk.

"Sorry, dad wants us to get back to Jimbo's right away." Randy explained, "Look, can I see Stanley for just a moment? It's important." Sharon sighed, putting a hand on her face, shutting her blue eyes,

"All right, Randy, fine." Sharon's eyes opened again, "Go see Stan, he's in his room." she nodded in his direction. Randy nodded,

"Thanks Shar." He walked down the hallway and opened Stan's bedroom to see him trying to play Xbox, with a scowl on his face - he was not enjoying this at all. The game was total shit. Randy sighed, "Hey pal, can we have a little talk?" he asked nervously.

"Uh, sure, dad, what is it?" Stan put down the controller, glad to be done with that shitty game.

"Stan, look, I don't quite know how to put this..." Randy sighed deeply, "But lately it's occurred to me I'm not the person I used to be and well, I'm getting old, but I feel young inside. You understand, right? Stanley... I... I need your youth."

"...aw, what!?"

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note_:: Thanks to SPU co-writer **NoseBridgePinch** for help with all sorts of stuff, most especially the opening scene and Kenny and Tweek's scenes and SPU co-writer **Mad_cow5678** for the mvoie sequence plus Butters' lines and SPU co-writer **Mutt13** for some of Tweek's advanced characterization.

**"The Former Life of Stan"_ - Chapter Five  
><em>**

The fields of Lucas XIII were lush and alive, tall grasses littering the landscape from all sides. The sky was a nice shade of blue, and the soil was nice and brown - and this perfect picture was interrupted by the rush of a large figure, a muscular man who looked to be in his thirties with yellow skin and golden eyes, with long sky blue hair, piercing red eyes, and holding a futuristic gun-staff. He wore a brown jumpsuit that covered all but his boots, specially designed for far jumping and his head. This was in turn covered in blood red armor. "Assholes! Clyde, Kinney, I need backup!"

"Here!" out stepped an average-looking man, aside the aqua blue skin, bald head, wild brown crown of feathers, and an enormous axe. "It's Clyde, what do you need, fatass?"

Cartman's character stopped to catch his breath, "Godammit that dickhole Craig figured out my weak point and told everyone in World 43. I'll be dead in a day if you asswipes don't back me up."

Clyde chuckled, "Weak point? You mean the fact you can't even fight because you blew your money on looking intimidating?"

"...Clyde, fuck you, okay?" Cartman's character said angrily, "This is fuckin' serious, with that asshole Stan gone and Kahl busy, ahm in charge here, okay? Stan's not the leaduh, I am! I have authoritah!" It was important for Cartman to make sure everyone respected his authoritah.

"Hey guys!" A boy-voiced woman approached with enormous breasts that seemed to move with every mere breath, much less every step. Such breasts would be impossible in reality - or in the game, normally speaking, but it seemed this player knew special cheat codes. The woman's face was obscured by an orange burqa - and she wore what looked almost like an orange nightie, holding two swords, "I just got back from another scuffle with Bebe, guys!"

"Kinney, you fucking faggot, you always pick girl characters now, whatever happened to being the coolest hunter in the world of Warcraft?" Cartman's character rolled his eyes, "You know your sword doesn't even work as long as you have those cheats for your giant hooters, right?"

"Totally worth it." Kenny said, "Still trying to find a nude patch, but all I could find are the ones for _Tomb Raider _and silly me, I bought the Xbox version of _Tomb Raider_."

"So you guys can fill in for me, right? Protect me while I go make some cash so I can buy battle techniques from that weird shit mage by the tavern?"

Clyde chuckled, "You mean Leroy? Like that kid'll teach you anything useful. He's only a Level 12 Veusvian Jedi-Wizard."

"Heheh, Jizzard." Kenny laughed, "Actually, I have plans and better get off about now. Butters said he'd take my place. Later bitches!" Kenny's character blew them a kiss goodbye and faded away as the real Kenny took off his headphones and microphone, logged out and left the computer, then the house. After a moment, his brother Kevin approached the computer before hopping on and going to Google, looking both ways before speaking as he typed: "Unattractive poor teenage boy seeking insecure attractive teenage girl with braces..."

Back in the game, Clyde was standing motionlessly, "Come on Clyde, is Butters going to fucking help us or not you black asshole?" Clyde suddenly resumed moving,

"Yeah, he's on his way, but I warn you, he's-"

"Hey fellas." Butters' character stood there, He was a small, furry teddy-bear like-creature with yellow fur all over and a big grin, "I just made an account. I got to be one of 'em neato bear fellers!" Butters smiled.

"Butters... before we start this quest, I am going to go to your house, kill your parents, ground them up into chili, eat them, shit them out, ground the shit up into beef, turn it into a hamburger, and fucking feed it to you." Cartman said.

"...well, gee Eric, if you do something like that... I-I'll be awful sore..." Butters looked down, "W-well Eric, they ain't here, they're at wal-mart so you can't. N-not so big now, h-huh, mister?"

xXx

Randy sighed, sitting next to his son on the bed again, looking away, not wanting to look his child in the eyes, feeling just so ashamed of himself, "Look Stanley... I know this may come as a shock to you but lately I'm just... feeling kind of old."

"...wow, dad, I had no idea." Stan said apathetically, crossing his arms.

"I mean... look at me. I'm forty-two years old - half of my life is over! I was so caught up with you know, trying to be an adult and mature and everything that, while kids like Gerald and Stuart were out partying I was back at home doing stupid stuff trying to be an adult and... I just... rushed so much into becoming an adult and having kids I... forgot to be a kid, you know? I never had a chance to grow up. When I turned forty two years ago... God, you were eight then, weren't you? Stop growing up so fast on me, Stanley... I just... I guess I realized I don't have a lot of time left in this world and... I might as well try to enjoy it. And then I realized just how unhappy I was... my wife never supported me, my daughter's distant and my son's the only bright spot I have... and I tried to escape with all of my shenanigans but none of them worked... every week it just resets..."

"And then you started drinking more and killing your brain cells and weren't that good at your job anymore, right?" Stan asked.

"...no, Stan, let's not blame alcohol on it like the McCormicks do all the time. 'Oh waah, my son's dead' You've got two more, stop whining!"

"...wha... what?" Stan raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, Stan, tangent, my bad... where was I now? Oh right... look Stan, I've been going about this the wrong way. Fighting people at baseball games, playing Warcraft, taking giant craps, watching internet porn, getting testicular cancer, measuring penises, cooking extravagant dishes... I need to stop pulling stunts. This won't recapture my youth... Stan, I need to be like you. Teach me everything you know. What do kids like doing?"

"Uhh... I dunno, seeing movies I guess..."

xXx

"DAD, I am not watching anything called _Twinkle Bunny in Sunshine Space_!" Stan had his arms crossed as he sat next to his father, looking angrily, "God, this movie sounds like a piece of shit..."

"God, Stan, don't be such a negative nancy... oh, hey look it's starting, it's starting!" Randy said, "There's the title screen!" Randy had a backwards baseball cap on and his hair was messy as shit - clearly he thought looking like a kid would help.

"What a shitty title. Twinkle Bunny, the fuck?"

_A long time ago in Sunshine Space... _said the screen. Stan rolled his eyes as it opened to show a bunch of pink, smiling anthropomorphic bunnies. The trees all looked like carrots. One bunny had a mustache stepping forward, "Twinkle Bunny, where are you?" A sparkly, rainbow-colored bunny stepped forward,

_"'sup Mayor Bunny?"_

_Mayor Bunny put his hands on Twinkle Bunny's shoulders, "Twinkle Bunny, it's the Pirate Kittens! They're coming and this time... they're bringing sparkle guns!"_

_A voice clip that sounded oddly familiar played, as Twinkle Bunny threw up his arms and unleashed a deep bellow, "No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

"Oh no Stan, the Pirate Kittens are back!" Randy said, looking shocked and scared.

"Dad, Kittens can't be Pirates! Besides, that whole plot is just shit, sparkle guns shouldn't hurt Twinkle bunnies at all!" Stan said angrily, "I mean they're all just made of shit-"

_"I need you to visit Sparklewarts School of Twinkling to get the Ark of Cutenessnagenosity!" Mayor Bunny explained, "Or the Kitten Pirates might take over Sunshine Space!"_

_"You can count on me and Ninja Puppy, the Puppy Wonder!" A Puppy dressed in all-black appeared next to Twinkle Bunny._

_"And now we sing a song about twinkling, right?"_

_"Duh!"_

"Awh, hell yeah, I love musical numbers" Randy cheered, "Isn't this the best movie ever, Stanley?"

"No, it's the shittiest. I haven't seen this much shit since you brought home that Brazilian fart porn from the adult video store." Stan said.

"Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man doing what makes him happy!" Randy said angrily.

_A bunny with a cane and a fedora on approached, "Hello, I've been expecting you! Mister...?"_

_"Bunny. Twinkle Bunny. Now, Professor Harrington... where's Disappointed Horsey?"_

_Professor Harrington fell into tears, "He-he's singing a song about shapes in his bedroom! Oh God! I'm overly sensitive!"_

_"This is a perfect time to teach a lesson about hurting people's feelings!"_

"Dad, if we watch another minute of this, I am going to go to Jimbo's house, I am going to go in your room, open your dresser, take out the gun, go to my room and I am going to shoot myself in the face."

"...Stan, that is absolutely stupid!" Randy glared, "Jimbo has plenty of guns, why do you have to use mine?"

"Fine, dad, I'm out of here." Stan crossed his arms and got up to leave - the theater was a ghost town. Not a soul was there except one person in the back. Stan shrugged and went to leave but stopped right in his tracks when he saw the person. He opened his mouth, but sighed - he shouldn't say anything to him. They weren't friends anymore.

He could have said nothing and let Stan go on, but something inside him wouldn't let him watch his best friend walk by without a word, "Hey Stan..." he said quietly - the words shook a bit, somehow it felt like a lie just to speak to him.

"Hi Kyle..." Stan said, "So... h-how's it going?" he sighed - it felt good to talk to his ex-super best friend, but he couldn't even look Kyle in the eye. He shoved his hand in his pockets.

"Oh, uh, it's... good. The guys are kind of... busy." Kyle looked down, "My mom wouldn't, uh, give me to tickets to any other movie..." Kyle admitted with a slight sigh - why did it feel so weird? He and Stan were super best friends, they knew everything about each other. Yet this didn't feel like Stan to him anymore. Not the Stan he knew.

_"He's the hero Sunshine Space deserves, but not the one it needs right now..." came Officer Rabbit's voice._

"Yeah... cool. I'm just here with my dad... well, I was anyway..." Stan sighed, "I'll see you around, Kyle." he said as he walked outside into the lobby, looking down at himself.

xXx

"Welcome to Tweek Bros. Coffee, may I take your order?" Mrs. Angela Tweek said, standing at the door with a notebook and pencil in hand wearing her usual turquoise dress and apron. Kenny looked up and raised an eyebrow for a long moment,

"Oh, just, uh, do you have any food or anything?" Kenny peeked at the menu in the far back, "I'll just have a salad... could I have a seat near the front please, beautiful?"

Mrs. Tweek was fairly used to being hit on, although being hit on by a fourth grader was a bit new to her, "Yes, you can have a seat near the front. Are you here to see Tweek? He's spent all day cleaning the counter. Repeatedly."

"Oh, what a tragedy." Kenny's eyes were trained to Mrs. Tweek's upper body, "Yeah, I would like to speak with him actually." he nodded.

"Well, all right then." Mrs. Tweek nodded, shrugging off the fact he was staring at her anatomy and turning away, "Tweek, a friend's here to see you!" she called. Tweek twitched, finished wiping the table and hopped down from behind the counter, approaching. "He said he'd like to speak with you."

"Nngh! Hey Kenny, what's up! Oh Jesus, did I screw up already?" Tweek looked around, then looked up at his mom, "I-I need to use the bathroom, I think..."

"You're fine, Tweek, go say hi to your little friend." Mrs. Tweek told him before taking a broom and returning to a corner of the store. Kenny and Tweek stared at each other for a long time, Tweek twitching quite alot, Kenny doing nothing. Clearly there wasn't much to Tweek besides a caffeine addiction and an attractive mother... well, there had to be something in there.

"Sooo... tell me about your-"

"Oh shit!" Tweek turned around, speaking to seemingly nothing, "Leave me alone, I don't have any change!" he turned around, looked both ways and twitched, "Ngh, sorry Kenny, I-I see things when I don't get my sleep."

"Ohh... good things?" Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow. Tweek twitched.

"No, no, horrible, terrible things!" Tweek said, looking both ways, "The stuff nightmares made of, man! Stuff that makes the Underpants Gnomes look normal!"

"I need to try that sometime..." Kenny noted. Tweek opened his mouth to protest, "Hey wanna go play The Game?" because that MMPORG needed no name, "Then I can get home and do my homework." Tweek nodded quickly and they ran to a back room, Mr. Richard Tweek raising an eyebrow,

"Son, where are you and your friend going?"

"Computer games! Augh!" Tweek and Kenny ran in back - Mr. Tweek'd normally oppose such a ditching of the job but Tweek's social life wasn't super active so he let it go. They sat at the computer desk in back and logged on, "World 43 has nngh, 9,999 people on it already..."

"Eh, what's the worst that can happen?" Kenny pressed the 'Enter World' key and everything went black.

xXx

Randy was so into this movie - it was the best he'd ever seen. But sadly for Randy, just when they were about to reveal why Twinkle Bunny's parents couldn't find their sunshine slippers, everything went black. Randy snarled - what an obstruction of justice. He dashed outside into the lobby, which was still dark, "Stan! Stan, what do kids do when they're mad!" Stan had his arms crossed.

"They go swear at someone until their parents stop them, I don't know." Stan glared. Randy ran up to the man at the candy counter,

"Hey asshole, why the hell my movie stop? Princess Guinea Pig didn't escape from the Pirate Kittens! Did you see the candy flying in the air? It was fucking traumatic! And where's that badass motherfucker Twinkle Bunny's parents' sunshine slippers? Is he going to have to pop a cap on some bitches?"

"...dude, I just like, serve drinks and stuff." said the freckled ginger kid.

"Yeah, well I am going to go home, call your mother, and pay a gay man with a pigeon fetish to give her a good fisting... in the vagina!" Randy said angrily.

"My mother's dead." he glared, "And my dad. So good luck paying your fag friend to hurt them!"

"Yeah well... fuck you, Ssss... I... dammit it's too dark..." Randy tried to read off the nametag, "I want to see your manager."

"It's Scott... and it's a little dark, but if you can find him, go for it." Scott grinned. Stan felt a shiver down his neck but ignored it, approaching his father.

"Look dad, let's just get out of here, okay?" he asked when suddenly the lights all went back on, "Well that was... convenient."

"Howard you whipper-snapper, there you are!" Grampa Marsh wheeled in, "You leave them poor theater folk alone! Do you know how much it cost to put on one of them stage productions? More than your allowance!"

"Awh, dad, c'mon, leave me alone!" Randy said, crossing his arms and looking down. Before Grampa could open his mouth to protest, a pair of doors open and the manager of the theater ran out, a man in his fifties with a cigar, long gray hairs, squinted eyes, and a fat hunched body, wearing a T-shirt under an open business suit - he looked like he'd been interrupted from whatever he was doing, "Are you the manager?"

"Mr. Marsh, my snack guy Mr. Tenorman told me all about this, I am terribly sorry, I'll refund every penny of your ticket, and you'll get a free coupon - come back whenever you want, whatever movie." he shook Randy's hand wildly, Randy grinning.

"Gee, really? Thanks, sir, I really appreciate this!" Randy grinned as he was handed his change and a coupon, pocketing it. Stan just looked up, eyebrow raised, wondering why his dad kept putting shit into his pocket. Ugh.

"I guess I'll go home then. See you later, Howard, Billy!" Grampa pushed the joystick on his wheelchair and left Randy and Stan with the manager and Scott.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Donahue, I'll be back soon, I promise." Randy smiled and nodded, as did the manager, Mr. Donohue, before going back through the doors. Randy turned to Stan, "*I* got a free coupon, Stan! Did you see that?"

"Whatever, dad, you got another little turd for your collection. Now what are we doing?"

"Let's celebrate - how about a montage?" Randy grinned.

Stan stepped forward, eyes wide with fear, "Awh no, dad, not a-"

_"The hour's approaching, to give it your best_

_You've got to reach your prime."_

Randy was grinning, sitting in a bouncy space rocketship in the Super Phun Thyme building, grinning and looking around while Stan stood a few feet away, arms crossed, waiting for Randy to finish his game. It stopped bouncing, and Randy glared at Stan, who sighed and stepped forward to put a coin in as the ship began bouncing again.

_"That's when you need to put yourself to the test_

_And show us a passage of time."_

Stan was sleeping in a bean bag while Randy watched Dora the Explorer, cheering happily. Stan rolled over sleepily as Randy grinned at Dora and Boots.

_"We're going to need a montage! (Montage!)_

_Ooh, it takes a montage! (Montage!)"_

Stan and Randy sat in the living room of Jimbo's home holding Xbox 360 controllers, both mashing buttons furiously, the bathroom door open behind them. Stan pauses his game and goes in. Randy looks both ways, then un-pauses the game and kills Stan's character as 'RANDY M. WINS' flashes on the screen.

_"Show a lot of things happening at once,_

_Remind everyone what's going on! (What's going on!)"_

Randy and Stan were on a soccer field next, both trying to kick at the ball. Stan wasn't really trying much - the ball looked way too shitty to him. But Randy came along and kicked the ball right out from under Stan and scored, giving Stan an unexpected chestbump. Stan fell and did not get up.

_"And with every shot you show a little improvement,_

_To show it all would take too long!"_

Randy and Stan sat at a table eating dinner from McDonald's - Stan has a Mighty Kids' Meal and is raising an eyebrow, unwilling to eat such shit, while Randy grabs a toy out of the Happy Meal and pushes the rest of the box aside.

_"That's called a montage! (Montage!)_

_Even Rocky had a montage! (Montage!)"_

Stan had his eyebrow raised and looked around. The closet door behind him opened and as this is a montage and we can't hear audio, all we see is Stan turn around, squint, grab his nose and run while Randy laughed. Hopefully it's obvious what just happened.

_"In anything, if you want to go,_

_From just a beginner to a pro,_

_You want a montage! (Montage!)_

_Even _Rocky _had a montage! (Montage!)_

Randy and Stan were racing in Go-Karts, Randy in a small blue one and Stan in a larger brown one. Randy was clearly in front, knees sticking out as he sat like a child, looking back and blowing a raspberry at Stan, who really didn't give a shit. Stan began to speed up but Randy slammed into his kart, trying to knock him off. Stan glared at his father but both were interrupted as Timmy in only his wheelchair superseded both in the race. Both stopped and raised eyebrows at each other.

_"Always fade out in a montage..._

_If you fade out..."_

Randy's at a hip-hop concert where a rapper is on stage, dressed like the rapper straight down to another backwards cap. Stan sits next to him in normal garb bored as Randy cheers.

_"It seem like more time has passed in a montage..._

_Montage!"_

Stan and Randy stood at the front of the line at the candy store, Stan holding a candy bar and Randy holding two enormous bags of Candy as Lolly, the jolly proprietor, raised both eyebrows in surprise.

_"Always fade out (Montage!) into a montage... (Montage!)_

_If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage!) has passed in a montage... (Montage!)"_

Stan and Randy were in a toy store aisle, Randy taking a red lightsaber off the rack and fighting with Kevin Stoley and his green one while Stan keeps picking up toys, smiling, then looking scared and putting them back - it's all the same shit. As the montage finally fades, Kevin pins Randy to the ground. "Okay, I win." Kevin grinned, "The Ponda Boba figure is mine, and you get the Darth Vader re-release."

"But I already have that one!" Randy protested. Kevin looked at him sternly,

"Mr. Marsh, the Force has willed it." Kevin scolded before turning and leaving. Randy went to follow but was confronted by two fourth graders passing by,

"Heheh, Star Wars is gay, heheh." came Fosse's voice.

"Huhuh, totally gay."

Randy clenched his fists, "Hey, you kids are bullies, you know that!?" he told them. Bill and Fosse laughed at him, "Hey, don't laugh at me!" They laughed harder, much harder - and that's when Randy took his plastic red lightsaber and began beating the merciless crap out of them. Stan rolled his eyes and turned when he saw Butters,

"Hey, neat-o, a dinosaur for $10, awh shucks, if I had the allowance, by golly, you'd be mine, Mr. Dinosaur." he said when he saw Stan, "Oh, hey Stan, what's up?"

"Hey Butters." Stan said, "Nothing, just dealing with my stupid dad. Some things never change I guess. What's up with you?"

"Well, the big game crashed earlier so everyone's back to doin' other stuff," Butters explained, "I was gonna buy some dinosaurs but I was a bad bear so I only got $5 this week..." Butters didn't seem to be planning to elaborate.

"Oh, everyone's done with the game? I'm not the only one not playing that piece of shit anymore?" Stan asked, relieved he wasn't crazy.

"Well, uh no, Kyle never played it, he's always behind on the trends and stuff, first Chinpokomon, then being gay... man, I bet he's awful lonely right now." he said.

"Kyle is?" Stan said, "Maybe I should pay him a visit then... we're both outcasts at this point, after all..." Stan admitted.

"W-well that'd be r-right of ya, Stan. M-maybe when your dad ain't murderin' someone, we c-could hang out o-or somethin?!" Butters asked, pounding his fists together. Stan raised an eyebrow and turned to see Bill and Fosse dying on the ground,

"Dad, dad, leave him alone!" Stan called. "Dad, we need to get out of here, I have to go see Kyle!" Randy was beating Bill and Fosse still,

"No, Stan, they called me gay!" Randy insisted. Stan took the lightsaber and tossed it,

"Dad, NO!"

"Fine then..." Randy blew a raspberry, "I'm going back to my brother's house and we're gonna go... huning and... killing!" he started walking off.

"That's fine! You're not fooling anybody anyway! Everyone knows you're forty-two!" Stan called out angrily, turning and kicking the ground, "Dick."

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note_:: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my best friend and longtime SPU co-writer **NoseBridgePinch **- she's an incredible friend and a fantastic writer, and I admire her greatly. She's been a huge help in my writing and my life, and without her, I'd probably still be writing the same two-dimensional slop I used to. She really means the world to me and I know this probably isn't the right project to dedicate to her, but I really want her to know how much she means to me. End sappy monologue - enjoy the story.

**"The Former Life of Stan"_ - Chapter Six  
><em>**

Eric Cartman loved few things more than watching TV and eating a bag of cheesy poofs - they converted from boxes to bags, go figure. It was _The Simpsons_, that one where Mr. Burns gets replaced by Smithers. Not a really funny one, but godammit he needed to relax, and Simpsons is Simpsons. The door bell rang - "Mam, godammit, someone's at the door again!"

"Coming hon!" Liane Cartman's sugary voice came as she moved behind the couch, as not to block her sweetums' TV, and went to the door to answer, a very tired looking Kenny and Tweek standing there, Tweek twitching, "Oh hello boys, are you here to see Eric?"

"Yeah. It's important." Kenny nodded as Liane let them in and closed the door, returning to the kitchen. Kenny and Tweek moved by Cartman, "Look dude, we need to talk about... the game." Kenny sighed, sounding a bit hyper - not sleeping all night can cause that - "It's just... the downtime and now everything's changed. The items panel is at the bottom instead of the side, the Account Info button now says User CP... I can't take it anymore."

"AUGH! I don't like change... whatever happened to routine? Nngh!" Tweek twitched, pulling at some of his hair, totally nervous and shocked by the website's minor updates since his last visit the previous evening, "It's a part of the global conspiracy, man, I tell you..."

"Yeah guys, we need a new hobby..." Cartman said, moving over to make room for them to sit, though he still hogged that bag of cheesy poofs, "How about we try an Xbox game this time?" he went by the TV cabinet and opened a door, revealing a treasure trove of Xbox 360, Wii and PlayStation 3 games. Tweek and Kenny huddled around him, "There they are, gaywads, now fucking pick something."

"Nngh, how can you play Grand Theft Auto? That game's scary man... Christ, _Halo: Reach_, you gotta be hardcore to play that one.." Tweek began looking through the titles, while Kenny grabbed armfuls of games, looking both ways quickly before letting out a cheering noise, "You okay, buddy?"

"God, Tweek, this no sleep thing is amazing... I've never felt so awake in my life! I wanna play all these games. Now!" Kenny ran to Cartman's Xbox, but Tweek stepped in front of him, twitching, grabbing Kenny by the shoulders and shaking him,

"Jesus Kenny, calm down or the gnomes'll get you!" Kenny laughed his ass off,

"Tweek, stop shaking, you look like you're having a constant seizure or something." Kenny let out a snort as he finished.

"Could one of you assholes put the fucking game in already?" Cartman said, rolling his eyes and grabbing one of Kenny's cases and putting it into the Xbox, "I don't know how much longer I can take this."

Kenny began crawling up the side of the room, much to Tweek's horror, "Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. He shoots webs-"

"Augh, Kenny can down from there you're going to fall and die and then there'll be a big bloody mess and oh God, I'll have to clean it up and does blood even come out of carpeting?"

"Kinney godammit, you aren't a fucking shimeji, stop it." Cartman yelled, "Here, dicks, I set up a game of Terrance and Phillip Tower Defense. I call Scott the Dick. Tweek, you can be Phillip, and Kenny, you be Ugly Bob. We need a Terrance though, can't get past the last level with just three people..." Cartman sent an Xbox Live invite to 69ing_chimpunks.

"Can I try Katherine Queef? I love her special ability. So much better than Ugly Bob's power - Katherine's queefs turn back all the enemies!" Kenny grinned.

"No, Kinney, we need to stick to our team! Ugly Bob's power is so much better anyway, he makes all the enmies in the radius die, the Queef sister's powers wear off anyways, God!" Cartman commanded, rolling his eyes, "Besides, there's no cheats to give you Wonder Woman hooters." he finally grinned again when Kyle accepted the invite, "Okay, assholes, pick up your controllers, let the games begin!"

"Hey guys, what's up?" came Kyle's voice, via TeamSpeak, being greeted back, "Which level are we playing?"

"Downtown Montreal. A bunch of fucking mimes and Iraqi soldiers mostly, a few angry American mothers, too." Cartman explained, "Everybody ready?" he asked.

"Ready!" Kyle replied.

"Nngh, ready!"

Kenny instead asked, "Hey Cartman, how many pornos was your mom in again?"

"Kinney godammit, I like you better when you shut up and don't talk!" Cartman tossed his controller at Kenny, who dodged it, "Fuck!" Cartman got up and took his controller back, "I sure wish you were here, Kahl, these guys are freakin' baked or something."

"Sorry dude, I'm just kind of... distracted... oh do you guys still play that space game still? I was on YouTube and watched some gameplay videos and stuff..." Kyle cut himself off to see his friend's reaction.

"Oh, hell no dude, that is so September 10th." Cartman laughed, "Nobody plays that game anymore. Someone blew a power fuse and then they redesigned the dashboard and shit while we were asleep."

"Hey, level cleared!" Kenny smirked, "Let's get coffee to celebrate! HEY MRS. CARTMAN!" he called, much to Cartman's annoyance, proceeding to smack Kenny with the controller.

"What do you boys need?" Liane asked with that usual sweet smile, the one that concealed her true nature as a sadistic, perverted whore. Her son approached her,

"Maaam, can ah have some cookies please?" Cartman begged, "Oooh, and uh, can ah have a soda, but not Keenny or Tweek cause they're fuckin' hyper." he said in his singsongy voice.

"Me and Tweek'd prefer some good ol' coffee please, any blend'll do, as long as it's a Harbucks one." Kenny put an arm around Tweek, "We're bros now, and bros stick together, right, Tweek?"

"AUGH! Apparently!" Tweek cried out. Cartman glared and crossed his arms,

"I... suppose I can get you all some cookies and sodas." Liane nodded, turning back to the kitchen, "Eric, sweetums, have you spoken with your little friend Stan at all today? There were some very nice and handsome psychologists looking for one of his relatives."

"Stan's not my friend anymore, that hippie asshole went to live with the other hippies, GOD, mom!" Cartman returned to his game, turning his mic back on, "Sorry about that Jewboy, Kenny and Tweek are baked and mom's making THEM food. Can you believe those assholes are best friends now, Kenny and Tweek? They're about as compatible as... uhh..."

"Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton?" Kyle suggested.

"Kyle, I said I'll do the homework later, okay?" Cartman crossed his arms, not understanding Kyle's historical references, "Let's clear the next level while the assholes go eat their stupid cookies..."

"Actually I better go, I..." Kyle didn't want to admit his computer was distracting him from the Xbox game, "I have to go do some homework, like, right now. Later, dude!" _69ing_chipmunks has disconnected. _Cartman looked behind him to see Tweek and Kenny laughing tiredly at everything, sighing,

"...fuck." Cartman sighed and turned off his Xbox.

xXx

"Are you Mr. Marvin Marsh, age one-hundred four?"

"Yes, yes, I am." Grampa Marvin Marsh hated being interrogated - this wasn't the first time it'd happened either. Just like those gooks in Germany. He sighed deeply and stared across into the eyes of the man staring into him, ready to spit right in his face and make a run for it, "What the hell do you want from me? Who are you? Where the hell am I? Are you finally going to kill me?"

Dr. Marshall rose up, putting his hands on the desk and glaring across at Grampa, annoyed - they should be making more progress by now! "My name is Dr. Steven Marshall, I'm with the South Park Psychiatric Society, you're in your son's house, and none of us plan on killing you within the immediate future. We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Jimbo, you traitor!" Grampa said angrily, "I told you not to let anyone in unless they were gonna kill me!" Marvin's son Jimbo Kern backed into the doorway nervously, hands over his mouth as his heterosexual life partner Ned stood at his side, the door 'guarded' by Dr. Pal and Mr. Perkins, who were sharing experiences about their careers with children.

Mr. Perkins put a hand on Jimbo's shoulder consolingly, feeling bad for the hunter, "It's all right, Mr. Kern, you did the right-"

"Hey, let go of that little asshole son of mine!" Grampa interjected, glaring. Dr. Marshall rolled his eyes, very displeased Grampa was so off-task and that his fellow therapists were causing more harm than good.

"Hey, you need to let me finish, you ALWAYS let people finish, dick!" Perkins glared angrily, before completing his previous line, "-thing. Okay, I'm finished."

Marshall stood up straight, arms behind his back, "Look Marvin, you're the earliest known case of Cynic Assholery comes from you, the disease runs directly down throug your line into your other son and your grandchildren." Marshall explained, turning around, but then looking straight back, "You may be the key to finding a cure for this rare disease."

"I shtirr don't know ry I'm hyah." Tuong Lu Kim crossed his arms, sitting out on the side and interrupting Dr. Marshall and his speech, "I ain't no thewapisht, I own Shitty Wok restaurant! I don't even know who dish Doctor Janush ferrow ish!"

"M'kay, Dr. Janus, let's try to calm ourselves down?" Mr. Mackey said, putting an arm on Lu Kim to try to calm him, but the City Wok owner would have none of it, pushing his arm off of him. Dr. Katz simply watched the scene with horror.

"Look, I can't help you. How am I going to hold any kind of cure? I don't know what causes it. Every since I turned seventy, all I've seen is shit, everywhere - that's why I want my life to fucking end!" Marvin said, "Now leave me and my cheerio's alone godammit!" No cheerio's were present at this time.

"Mr. Marsh, you don't understand just how serious this is." Dr. Marshall said, "Dr. Chinstrap, background?" Dr. Chinstrap stepped forward and did what he did best, "Look, cynical assholery rates are climbing at 175% each year! South Park's rates are getting even worse, over triple the national average! If you don't give us some goddamn answers, in just a year, this entire county could be nothing but cynics who see nothing but shit, constantly!"

"Doo-doo-dee-dee-dow!" Chinstrap complete his vocal instrumental.

Grampa sighed heavily, looking at Marshall and realizing just how importance this was, how much was at stake, feeling the fate of the world resting in his hands, as if all the planets and stars now circled him, "Very well... uh, what was the question again?"

"Okay, this is getting us n-n-n-nowhere." Dr. Katz said, bored with the ridiculousness of this. Dr. Marshall turned and glared at him, but the other therapists seemed to share Dr. Katz' feelings. Marshall wanted to find a cure already.

"Yeah, I agree... hey wait, doesn't this guy have a grandson?" Dr. Pal looked around, smirking gladly - oh boy, another kid he could m- related to better, just perfect! "He around?"

"Dad, who let all these strange people in?" Randy Marsh entered through the door, passing Jimbo and Ned, and standing in between Dr. Perkins and Dr. Pal, "Jimbo, do you know what this is all about? Ned? You guys? C'mon? You guys?"

"Oh my God, Steamy Ray Vaughn, I am a huge fan of your work! I love the Tween Wave bands like you have no idea, man!" Dr. Perkins said, shaking Randy's hand excitedly with a grin, before closing his eyes and beginning to sign, "I got a fevah but it's undah control-" He slipped a hand in his armpit and raised his arm-

Randy shook his head, putting a hand on the raised arm to prevent it from going down, "No, no, I gave that up, sorry... now what are all you people doing here interrogating my dad?" He looked around, "What is this, a police investigation or something? Okay, look, I was looking for information on clorophyll, not chloroform, okay? It was an honest mistake!"

"Chloro- look, Mr. Marsh, we're not with the police, we're investigating a deadly disease your father and children have contracted that we're beginning to wonder if you may also suffer from. Unfortunately, your father's so old he is of no help to us any longer. Perhaps you could be of service?" Marshall aksed, turning away from Grampa, his arms behind his back.

Randy raised an eyebrow, thinking back - what diseases did he know Stan suffered from? It wasn't his asthma, because Grampa didn't have it, "Ohuh, you mean that hoarding thing?"

Dr. Chinstrap stepped out, "No, this isn't about that, Dr. Marsh - ha, Mackey you owe me ten bucks, told you they'd remember old Dr. Chinstrap! - Dr. Marsh, your son has a disease we call... being a cynical asshole. Do you know anything about it?"

"Look Dr. Marsh, you could be a great asset to us, do you see people, places or things as shit?" asked Dr. Marshall desperately, looking for a last life-line - he had to cure this disease. He wasn't letting anything stop him any longer.

Randy looked up, "Awh, darn, well I just dropped my son off to see his friend, this would've been so much easier if he was here..."

Dr. Chinstrap raised an eyebrow, his therapists exchanging looks, knowing what, er who, they needed know, "Dr. Marsh, where is your son right now?"

xXx

Stan's hands were in his pockets, sighing deeply as he approached the nearest household. He knocked at the wooden door, eyes remaining at the floor, seeing only the green carpet and black shoes as the door opened. He didn't want to be seen - this was a mistake, he knew it, but somehow he needed the closure. He sighed deeply, "Hi..."

"Oh, hello there Stanley." came Sheila Broflovski's voice, accent still heavy. Stan said nothing, merely nodding in response, eyes still at the floor, "How are you today?" she asked.

"I've been better..." Stan said sheepishly, sighing, "Could... could it be possible for me to see Kyle please?" It had been a long time but he wasn't sure if they'd have a problem with it. He pulled a hand out of his pocket, "I just... it's been a little while, you know..."

"Oh, why of course, Stanley." Sheila stepped aside and allowed him in. Stan entered, looking around - they hadn't changed at all. "Bubble's over in his room watching some videos over on that website, uh, RedTube is it?" Sheila bit her lip.

"Uhhh... no, Mrs. Broflovski, I think it's called YouTube." Stan corrected quietly, wondering just how exactly she knew about RedTube. Stan sighed and walked to Kyle's bedroom door, knocking - the door was open slightly and he could see Kyle on the computer playing a game of some kind. Kyle got out of his seat and opened the door to stand face-to-face with Stan, who looked down, "...hi, Kyle."

"Oh Stan... hey." Kyle looked down, "What's... what's up?"

"Look Kyle, I... I'm sorry I've been such a douche..." Stan admitted, "It's just... Kyle, I know this is going to sound really gay but... we have a really great friendship, and I-I don't want to lose that, Kyle. We've been friends for such a long time, dude, and we always had fun and made each other laugh and... I know we're not the same people we used to be, but we had so many great times together and... I've... we've been through everything together..." Stan sighed, his eyes tearing up "Maybe it's time for us to call it quits, Kyle, maybe but... you're my super best friend and I can't just let go of you... you're a part of me."

"Stan, I... I don't know how to..." Kyle looked away before turning around and sighing, "Stan, we had a great run together, we really did, but... it's time to call it quits, dude. People get older, Stan, people change, you know? We can't just ignore the past and pretend it never happened. I mean, imagine if one of our friends died, and we just completely forgot it ever happened! The fact is Stan... I've moved on with my life. And it's time for you to move on, too."

Stan looked at him with tears in his eyes, "Kyle..." it felt like his entire world had just come crashing down on him, "Kyle, please, you don't understand how hard this is for me... I mean, we've been to Space, Canada, Afghanistan... we fought a bunch of douchebag celebrities,.. we survived countless attacks on the town... we saved your brother, baby cows, Willzyx, Cartman, Indiana Jones, Imaginationland, not to mention the world a few times..."

"Stan... I'm sorry but... you're not a part of my life anymore." Kyle sighed, turning around to close the door when both boys heard a familiar voice,

"Waaaaaait Kyle..."

"Was that?" Stan raised an eyebrow, looking around.

"No, it can't be..." Kyle's eyes went down.

"Hooooooooooooowdy ho! Kissies!" suddenly Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo jumped into Kyle's arms, leaving a shit stain on Kyle's cheek, "Oh golly, Kyle, it sure is nice to see you, you've grown an awful lot, haven't you?" Mr. Hankey grinned, "I heard your good friend Stan's havin' some troubles with growin' up, ain't that right?"

"Yeah! Hey, hey, wait a minute... Mr. Hankey, you're a piece of shit! You can help me better than anybody! I mean, come on, surely you, of all people and things, knows the cure to cynicism!" Stan grinned and Mr. Hankey hopped down on the floor,

"I'll be sure glad to help you, Stan! It's time for me to spread the joy again! You two have some chocolate salty balls, right?" Mr. Hankey asked, Kyle turned,

"Ike, pantry, chocolate salty balls!" Ike passed by the doorway apathetically, then noticed Mr. Hankey and dashed, quickly returning with a box of _Chef's Fudge 'Em's_. Mr. Hankey took one for himself, "Are you okay, Mr. Hankey?"

Mr. Hankey smiled, "I'm fine, Kyle. Now Stan, the cure you're looking for is... shit."

"...you're kidding me." Stan's eyes widened - of all things, that was the cure? That was what he needed for things to finally go back to normal? "You're serious, here? Really, totally serious?"

"As serious as a heart attack, Stan." Mr. Hankey reported, "You see, Stan, sure everything may look like shit, and taste like shit, and seem like shit, but when you taste real shit, when you have actual shit flowing through your veins... well, it all cancels itself out, you know? When your life's at it's absolute shittiest... that's when things start to look up. Do you understand?"

"I tihnk so." Stan nodded, "But... this... does this mean...?" Mr. Hankey nodded, "Oh man... I'm going to have to actually eat shit? Dude, what kind of a shitty cure is that? Who comes up with this shit?"

"Stan, you've been doing it for weeks now anyway as far as you think, it really shouldn't be much different..." Kyle sighed, "Look guys, I was kind of busy playing Super Mega Space Death Wars... I finally tried it and it's... it's everything you've ever imagined, but a million times better." Kyle grinned, but shook his head, "Okay, okay, this is more important... let me just save..." Kyle went to his computer desk, "And make a few profile adjustments... and add a friend... and check when my rank's going-" Stan grabbed Kyle and began pulling him away from the computer by his legs, "Wait, no!"

xXx

Sparky was in the yard of the new Kimble household, laying down near the porch, arms crossed and head over his arms, a pink bananda around his neck. It felt like months since his master had paid attention to him - in fact, he'd left earlier, hadn't he? Oh no, Sparky was abandoned again, he'd never see his master again, he'd be all alone and- "Hey boy!" Sparky commenced to licking Stan's face like there was no tomorrow. Oh yes, master had returned!

"Oh good, there's already like six piles!" Kyle said in astonishment - indeed, six piles of dog shit were in the Kimble yard. Stan must not pick up after his dog very often! "How much shit can one dog make? Didn't you say he lays like two to three piles a day?" Stan was too busy playing with Sparky. Mr. Hankey sat there with his usual festive grin, "Hey Mr. Hankey, why can't Stan just use you?"

"...Kyle. Think about it." Mr. Hankey said, "If there's a cannibal in your family, would you try to make him eat your sister, or let him eat you?"

"I don't have a sister." Kyle responded as he closed the gate. Stan broke free from the dog's trance and approached Kyle and Mr. Hankey again, "Well?"

"Guys, I don't know about this, can't I eat my own shit, or Kyle's shit? I mean I know any other human would freak out but still dog shit, that's pretty fucking gross." Stan said, tongue stuck out. Kyle stepped forward, biting his lip,

"Look Stan, it's not as bad as it sounds... like I said before, you've been eating and tasting shit for weeks, it shouldn't be that unusual for you... besides, I've tasted actual shit and..." Kyle gulped and lied for Stan's sake, for the hope things could go back to normal, "It's not as bad as you'd think. I mean it tastes... shitty but not as shitty as you'd expect..." Wow, that came out phony, "And remember, you can't eat your own because it'll be recycling the same shit back into your system and mine... hey, Mr. Hankey, why can't we use my shit?"

"Well Kyle, see there are different kinds of shit, and Jewish shit isn't very compatible with-"

"You know what? That's all I need to hear. I don't need to know anything else. That's all, that's it, I'm good." Kyle shook his head, "Okay Stan..." Kyle took a paper bag out of his chest pocket, put it around his hand and picked up one of Sparky's shit piles, then quickly inverted the bag so the shit was now in it, "...here you go. Bottoms up." he handed it to Stan. Stan sighed and stuck his hand in the bag, opening his mouth and yes, stuffing the shit in his mouth. He chewed and chewed, and finally accepted his fate and swallowed.

"Well, did it work, Stan?" Kyle asked. Stan looked both ways, "Well? Dude?"

"Kyle, I-"

"There you are, Stanley!" Dr. Marshall opened the screen door to the backyard, entering with Mr. Mackey and Dr. Chinstrap, "We need to get to the clinic immediately, that way we can cure you."

"But Dr. Marshall, I'm cured." Stan grinned, "In fact, I'm better than ever before! My super best friend Kyle and his friend Mr. Hankey helped me figure out the cure! You wouldn't believe me if I told you how it is! Everything's back to normal now - Kyle's Kyle, and you're a Doctor, and the grass is green and the sun is round, and the flowers smell nice, and Mr. Hankey... well, he's still shitty. No offense."

"None taken, Stanley!" Mr. Hankey grinned.

"That's great news, Stan," Dr. Chinstrap said, "We're all very proud your journey of self-discovery lead to a cure for a serious disorder and not to months of late night masturbation like the rest of us."

xXx

"Everyone, everyone!" Mr. Mackey entered the Cynics' Room at the Community Center, running through the doors and trying to catch his breath, "They found Stan, m'kay, he has the cure!" he waved his arms frantically as the cynics, the Marsh family and the other therapists.

"Oh my God, they found a cure?" Mr. Stevens said, arms raised, and eyes wide, looking both ways before running up and crowding the door along with his fellow cynics, the therapists gathering as well.

"A cure to what?" Sharon asked, hands on her hips, following after and deeply concerned now - was Stan suffering from some kind of illness and had chosen not to tell her? Was he just helping out some needy people and happened to have the secret they needed? She was his mother, he knew he could tell her these things...

Dr. Marshall and Dr. Chinstrap opened the doors and allowed Stan, Kyle and Mr. Hankey to enter. "Ladies and gentlemen, our good friend and former fellow cynic Stan has found the key to solving our problem." Dr. Marshall introduced. Kyle shrugged, dropping a small doggy bag. "Dr. Chinstrap, background music?" Chinstrap nodded and began,

"No, I don't think we need that." Stan glared. Chinstrap made a few final, sad 'boom boom pow' noises before standing up and scratching his neck in embarrassment, "Look guys, it's really simple just.. uhh..." Stan whispered to Kyle and Mr. Hankey. "Now guys, just take these bags and-"

"...oh my God, it's a talking piece of shit!" Mr. Garrison said, a hand over his mouth in shock, "You sure don't see that every day!" Mr. Hat said in surprise, "You can say that again, Mr. Hat!" Garrison replied. "You sure don't see that every day!" Mr. Hat repeated, "Well okay, Mr. Smartass." Garrison rolled his eyes.

"Wait, are you sure this is safe?" Mr. Perkins asked, stepping forward, "This has all been tested, right? It's not another bullshit cure like that bone marrow transplant we tried on Marvin?" Grampa coughed.

"No, it's real, dude, it worked on me." Stan stepped forward, opening the bag and taking out several chocolate bars, "Everybody take a chocolate bar." he instructed as all of the cynics stepped forward and took each of them, "They're fresh out of the oven so they kind of smell... make sure to eat the whole thing, I know they taste kind of weird but-"

"This is terrible!" Mr. Stevens spit it out, "It tastes like complete shit!" he said, ready to wipe his hand on his coat, but remembering just at the right momeny that hey, this is actual _shit_.

"Yeah turd, what kind of crap are you trying to feed ush?" Shelly glared as she realized she'd already swallowed half of it, "Ish thish shome kind of fucking prank? Do you think shynishishm ish funny, Turdly Derp?"

"Just eat it, I know it tastes like shit, but finish it, and I promise, everything will be all right." Stan explained. The cynics exchanged worriedglances, but finally Shelly sighed - as much as she hated her brother, times were tough, and he needed her right now. She shoved the entire thing in her mouth, chewing quickly and looking like she was about to throw up. Finally, she swallowed it. "...did it work, Shelly?"

Shelly closed her eyes, and then she opened them.

"Oh my God..." she looked around - the walls were solid, not goopy, shit. She could clearly read the titles of the books on the shelf. The floor had a crappy shade of dull, dark golden carpet. The chairs were dark green and looked like those in a classroom. Each of the people gathered around her was human, with skin and eyes and nose and mouth - not giant walking turds. Her brother was not a giant punching bag made of shit, no, he was her brother just the same. Shelly couldn't help but smile, "I don't shee any shit at all... ecshept the talking Chrishmash poo."

"It really works? Billy did it?" Grampa wheeled up and took a chocolate bar, taking a bite, "These chocolate bars still taste pretty shitty..." he mumbled before finishing it in the second bite, "Wow, she was right - it does work!" Mr. Stevens tried another bite, and Sparrow took a chocolate as well. Within moments, each of the cynics had completed a chocolate bar of their own.

"Why am I in these stupid black clothes?" Sparrow said, looking down at himself with contempt. Darkness? Despair? This wasn't who he really was - it was how he felt. Timmy wordlessly rolled up to the book shelf and pulled down a dictionary to read through. "Mr. Stevens, Mrs. Stotch, the shit actually works!" Kyle approached them and handed each a piece of chocolate. They both gobbled their's as well, Craig approaching for his.

"Oh my God... I can see everything! There's no shit smeared on the walls o-or shit in the paintings or... oh, my life is complete!" Mr. Stevens said, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to make love to my wife... and give my daughter her cat back! And maybe, just maybe take over France!" Craig flipped him off.

"H-h-h-how about you, L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-Linda...?" Dr. Katz asked honestly and professionally. A nervous, alghuing Linda took out a photograph of her family - where the two turds were, she saw her beloved husband and darling son. Stepehen and Butters...

"These results are incredible... the disease seems to be reversing!" Dr. Marshall said, "It's as if that chocolate somehow is so shitty... it makes everything else seem less shitty, and therefore the shit-to-shit ratio balances out!" he looked at his clipboard, "But what kind of material is just that shitty?"

"Shit." Kyle said, "Those chocolate bars were all made of shit - Dr. Marshall's got it. Shit is the cure for cynicism. When you face real, real shit, nothing else seems quite as shitty afterward.

"Hey, raddah 'bout Mr. Garri-san and his eckshweem wacism?" Tuong Lu Kim rose up when he was sat back down to do their news from now on. Kyle shrugged now - it really was getting common.

"Fuck you." Garrison said simply, crossing his arms, while the others thanked him for his work, clapping. Stan felt wonderful to see how many people care about him, even has feelings.

Randy Marsh stepped forward from his family, "Well pal, you fought a disease for a month, barely survived a bunch of challenges and I say it's time for a reward... name anywhere in town, I'll take you there and pay for it, promise."

"Hm... the old house." Stan crossed his arms as lightening struck, "Our old house on Banana Street. I want to say goodbye to it one last time."

Randy sighed, "Very well." he got on his jacket and hat, "Let's get out of here..."

**To Be Continued...**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

_References:_

* Grampa turned one-hundred two in "_Death_", while Stan was eight - therefore if Stan is now ten, Grampa should be one-hundred three or one-hundred four.

* Steamy Ray Vaughn is yet another reference to "_You're Getting Old_"

* The chloroform/chlorophyll confusion is a reference to the Casey Anthony murder trial.

* Stan has asthma in "_Sexual Harrassment Panda_" though it's never come up again.

* It's also worthy of note Stan underwent something traumatic in his past that, as of "_Insheeption_" has resulted in him being a hoarder.

* RedTube is a pornographic website.

* Stan's speech to Kyle is a doozy:

- The boys visited space in "_Starvin Marvin in Space_" and "_Cancelled_", Canada in "_It's Christmas in Canada_", and Afghanistan in "_Osama bin Laden has Farty Pants_"

- Douchebag celebrities are too many episodes to count, although "_200_" is the best example.

- Countless attacks on the town, again too many to name, but a few examples: "_An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig_", "_Mecha-Streisand_", "_Trapper Keeper_", arguably "_Smug Alert_!" and "_Pandemic 2: The Startling_"

- They saved Ike a few times, primarily "_Cartman Gets an Anal Probe_", "_About Last Night..."_ and "_Dead Celebrities_", they rescued baby cows in "_Fun With Veal_", Willzyx the whale in "_Free Willzyx_", Cartman in several episodes, Indiana Jones in "_The China Probrem_", Imaginationland in the self-titled trilogy, and the world a few times, but I mostly recall "_Cancelled_" and the Mysterion trilogy.

* Sparky is Stan's rarely-seen dog featured most prominently in "_Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride_"

* Kyle tasted shit in "_HUMANCENTiPAD_"

* Mr. Hankey has poo magic when using his Wizard's outfit ala "_Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls_"


	7. Chapter 7

**"The Former Life of Stan"_ - Chapter Seven  
><em>**

The Marsh family car pulled up in front of their old home, a dark forest green house on Bonanza Street sitting across the train tracks from South Park's "Poor" district. A large 'FOR SALE' sign had been placed in front of the home but otherwise it was unchanged. Stan opened the car door and dashed out towards the place he'd spent his childhood, look up at the windows, the door, all of it: he was home. "Mom, dad, see it? Don't you see?"

"Of course we see, Stan." Randy said as they began to exit the car, "It's our old place. Me and your mother bought it just after your sister was born." he said, Sharon and Shelly joining him on the sidewalk, Grampa looking out the window angrily,

"Hey! Godammit, I'm in a wheelchair, I can't get out of here by myself!"

"Could you just wait up, dad? Just use your cane, Jesus Christ!" Randy looked back before returning his focus to Stan, "You were saying, son?"

"Look, can't you guys see, this is where we belong! I'm all better now... things can go back to normal. Just like every week... everything goes back to normal." Stan turned, "I mean, you know, I learned something today... sometimes when people get older they-" A blonde woman moved right in front of Stan, much to his shock, and picked up the 'FOR SALE' sign, "...what are you doing?"

"This house has been sold." she answered simply, "A very nice family moving here from out of state bought it. Seems these quiet little mountain towns are becoming really popular in the housing market."

"But... this is our house..." Stan said, defeated. He turned to his family for support. Randy and Sharon avoided his gaze, Randy scratching the back of his neck. Shelly looked up at them and glared, making fists with her hands. "...Mom? Dad?"

"I'll leave you all alone..." the blonde realtor turned and walked off.

"Stanley, they... they closed the deal a few hours ago... we were going to take you and Shelly out for ice cream to soften the blow... you know, a sticky situation and all that..." Sharon admitted, "We got a really good deal at least... look Stanley, I understand it's hard for you but me and your father need to be apart now. We're... not the same people we used to be and... that's that. People change. It's time for you to accept that." she said finally, looking down, feeling guilty for her actions.

Stan sighed, "...maybe... maybe Chef was right all along..."

xXx

Randy Marsh's hand was on the wheel of the Marsh family car, his children and father in the back, and his ex-wife next to him looking out the window. He sighed - it was true, he couldn't escape it. _You're Getting Old_, he told himself, sighing, he looked in back to see his son with his arms crossed and looking away angry, his daughter using her iPhone to text her darling boyfriend, Amir or Kevin or something, and his father fast asleep. "Shelly, can I ask you something?" Stan said quietly.

"Yeah, Shtan?" That was probably the first time Stan had heard his name from her mouth as an address to him.

"...what was it like for you? Living as a cynic for so long?" Stan asked finally, nervously. He half-expected her to punch him like she usually did, or kick him in the balls, or magically produce a match and light him on fire. But no retribution came. Shelly sighed,

"It shtarted out sho easy... a little mushic, a little food. Nothing too bizzare." she sighed, "Just a few monsh after I turned ten though, every pieshe of mushic wash diarrhea, every bite of food wash shit, every shnowflake was a turd, and necsht thing I know, even my baby brother ish nothing but shit, turdsh and bile..." she sighed, "It wash a nightmare. A nightmare I lived through three yearsh of with jusht barely intelligible Britney Shpearsh recordsh, talking to my darling boyfriend online, and beating up my little brother... "

"Shelly, I-"

"And now he'sh the one who'sh cured me." she smiled a bit, "I know we have our differenshesh, Shtan, but I guesh... we're family, and family hash to shtick together through what life throwsh at ush... asshuming nobody moleshtsh ush or anything. Then fuck them." Shelly said angrily suddenly, punching the door.

"Is that why we don't talk to Uncle Shane anymore?" Stan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Randy?" Randy tuned out and turned around to face his ex-wife, who had a peaceful look on her face, "I was thinking... sure, our lives may be better apart but... we don't need to be a 'broken family'..." she chose her words carefully, "Maybe tomorrow all of us can go to Stark's Pond together. You, me, the kids, your father, maybe Jimbo and Ned if they want to come? The kids deserve a little sense of family..."

"I think that's a great idea." Randy smiled, "Just a nice day at the park." he told her with a slight grin as they turned past Sundance Street. "Maybe we can bring some food, even make it a picnic?" he suggested. Sharon smiled as well, putting her hands together,

"Randy, that's a wonderful idea!" she told him, her blue eyes meeting his for the first time in what felt like years. He loved those brief little moments where they were on the same page, agreeing with each other. It reminded him of the early years of their marriage, "A Marsh family picnic, I love it!"

"Yeah, exactly." Randy grinned, "And maybe we can invite my brother?" as Randy and Sharon discussed ideas more, and Stan and Shelly finally began to bond as siblings, and Grampa slept soundly, the Marsh family car drove off in the sunset...

xXx

Stark's Pond was surprisingly green - the snow was gone and grass was growing. Spring was in full bloom as the Marsh family approached the lake for a picnic. Randy carried the basket as Sharon stepped forward and laid a blanket with a red-and-white checker pattern for everyone. Randy grinned and set down the basket in the middle, sitting down next to his ex-wife, "Isn't this nice, kids?" he asked, Stan and Shelly both nodding.

"I remember when you, me and our parents used to go fishing and have a picnic at the side of the river." Jimbo grinned - his war buddy Ned was not in attendence. He helped Sharon unpack the basket as Randy now helped his father settle in at the edge of the picnic,

"Hey, I remember now, I was there, too! Watch it, Howard!" he told his son with anger, because godammit he wanted to sit comfortably if he was going to be at a dumb pansy picnic.

"Stan, Shelly, your sandwhiches are ready!" Sharon said, handing them their plates. Stan quickly took his and munched at his simple peanut butter and jelly sandwhich happily and hungrily. Shelly grinned and ate her's as well, smiling at her brother for a moment. Jimbo tossed Stan and Shelly root beers,

"There you go, sport! And my favorite niece!" Jimbo grinned, before sticking his arm in the cooler and pulling out some real beers for the adults - and a lemonade for Sharon.

"Thanks mom, thanks Uncle Jimbo." Stan said with a grin, eating his sandwhich. Sparky laid next to him on his leash, desperately trying to reach the sandwhich, but Stan laughed at his mischevious dog and kept it out of his reach.

"Yeah, thanksh!" Shelly added. For once, all was perfect and well with the Marsh family - no fighting, no destruction, no supernatural forces, just a nice family picnic. Stan noticed suddenly his friends in the distance by the pond playing football. "Hey Shtan, you should go join them." his sister told him.

Randy sipped his beer and began eating his own sandwhich, "Your sister's right Stanley, go have some fun, we'll be here." he said. Stan smiled, took the last bite of his sandwhich, took a last sip of root beer and jogged over by Cartman, Clyde, Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Tweek, tossing around a football. They noticed him and stopped,

"Hey Stan! We heard you're all better now." Cartman said, holding on to the football.

"Yep! I'm all back to normal, dude, thanks to Kyle. In fact, all the cynics were cured - we can re-assimilate with society now. I'm not going to complain about everything anymore!" Stan grinned.

"Wow, everything sure worked out hunky-dory for you." Cartman said, rolling his eyes, picking up a bag and moving aside with Clyde, "Hey, man, look, we've had a lot of fun times with you over the past... how long has it been, Clyde?"

"Two weeks."

"Two weeks, wow, the time sure flies! Look dude... it's not working out. You can't fill Stan's place in our group." As he said each item, he pulled it out of his bag,"Here's a watch, some peanuts, a twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, a Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, a DVD of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin."

Clyde looked at him for a long moment, "Okay, cool, thanks." He took the bag in his arms and left. Cartman looked shocked, then turned and went back to the guys,

"Asshole didn't even care!" Cartman said in surprise, "Aren't we good, quality friends? I mean God, what a fucking dick..." Cartman shook his head, "Whatever, order is restored, yadda yadda, welcome back, hippie." he said, giving Stan a pat on the shoulder.

"Yeah, and now you and me can be friends again, and Cartman and Kenny can go back to best friends, and Tweek can just fuck off." Kyle grinned, Tweek looking a bit hurt. Stan sighed and moved forward,

"Look guys, I appreciate all this... but you know what, I learned something today - things change, you know? And we just have to roll with it... we grow up, we get older, and things change yeah, but it's a good thing. We have to embrace change, and if we really, really care about someone or something, we can accept it, instead of whining about it and running off. We may not like it... but things don't just go back to normal at the snap of a finger. My parents are staying divorced, and you guys are going to have your new friendships, and that's OKAY, because change is a part of life, and a part of growing up and getting older."

Kyle smiled and titled his head, "Yeah."

"And I learned something too... don't stay up all night, because if you do, you act like a paranoid crack addict and scare the crap out of people." Kenny said.

"Cool! Can we play some more football now?" Butters smiled. The boys all nodded in agreement, even Tweek.

"One, two, three, set hike!" Cartman called out as he tossed the football and the game began again. Kenny, Butters and Tweek tried to intercept, while Stan and Kyle stood open for passes, Cartman sneering, "Unless we're playing Dodgeball, I'm not giving you the ball, Jew!"

xXx

"...and that's how it ends." smiled a boy with long brown hair and pale skin, wearing a dark blue jacket and black sweat pants. He stood in front of the desk, holding his thick printed storyline out, "What do you guys think? Perfect for the half-season premiere, right? I know it's kind of long but we can make it a two-parter!"

"Look kid, I don't know how to put this but..." the forty-one year old stretched, looking down quietly, black hair neatly combed but coming apart, a beard coming in - he looked as if he'd been working in a sweatshop.

"Your story sucks and we're not doing it. This is our show and we don't need any of your 'fan input'. We've done this almost by ourselves for fifteen years, and we're gonna keep doing it like this." came a man with tamed curly brown hair, arms crossed, "Sorry, kid."

The first man nodded, sitting back in his seat, "Yeah, he's right, we're going to go with our story, and that's what we're doing for October 5th. Now get the hell out of my office or we'll get Jennifer to escort you out."

John sighed, "Very well... but I'll be back!" he sneered.

"...God, what an annoying little asshole." The second man facepalmed, "All right, so what ideas do we have for the season premiere?"

The first man grinned, took out a pen and paper, "Two words, dude... Ass. Burgers."

**The End**

Leave a review, keep criticism constructive and thanks for reading!

**References:**

* Kenny lives next to the Marshes as seen in the Season 4 episode "_Quintuplets 2000_"

* Grampa can move with a cane as seen in "_Grey Dawn_"

* The popularity on the housing market is a little (affectionate) nod to the popular original character stories, the vast majority of which deal with a character who's recently moved to town, as well as the constantly growing state of the town of South Park even in the show.

* Ice Cream always produces sticky situations, especially in "_City on the Edge of Forever_"

* Amir is Shelly's online boyfriend from "_Over Logging_" and Kevin is the McCormicks' son of Shelly's age.

* Cartman's rewards to Clyde are those offered to Kyle and Tweek in "_Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society_" and those offered to the Sixth Graders in "_Preschool_"


End file.
